Sunday, May 18, 2008
Advice to Men Everyone - Get Married Near a Golf Resort
With all the stuff that happened in the golf world - Lorena Ochoa beat Annika Sorenstam, some guy named Ryuji Imada won the PGA Tour event - that it was sad I was tied up in a middle-of-nowhere golf resort in south Texas for a wedding and golf extravaganza.
If you're a guy and you aren't thinking of having all your guy friends stay at the golf resort area near the wedding, you really need to rethink how hard the lady in your life wears the pants. This weekend was probably the best idea one of my buddies has ever had, having a golf course in Boerne, Texas at a place called Tapatio Springs that has 27 holes, with all three nine holes being completely different (one is target golf, one is more risk-reward with three par-5s and a drivable par-4 and the last is a traditional country club-style layout).
Anyway, I've decided that if you're hosting a wedding it's a must to have a golf resort within fives miles of the wedding destination. As I was thinking this should be a law like throwing trash out or tripping old ladies, I was thinking of other things that should be stapled rules at a wedding. Here is my mediocre list...
-Like before, a golf course has to be close, but more than that, Saturday morning should be a mandatory golf-best ball-scramble sort of format between all the guys. This is the best mans responsibility, so a few weeks before the wedding you need to lock up five or six tee times for all the people in the morning, between 9 AM (not too early) and 10 AM (gives you plenty of time to finish and possibly fit in a couple more holes if necessary).
1.) I think people should start letting people know what they are expecting at the wedding. Wedding inviations are so corny and old school, this trend should be bucked and we should start thing sent out in Times New Roman with notes at the bottom. The notes should include:
-What sort of alcohol situation will the guests be encountering (open bar, beer wine and margs, no alcohol)
-How long it takes to get from the city you're staying to the wedding so people can prepare accordingly.
-If any of the bridesmaids are hot.
-What food will be served, and if it's going to be small portions, note this so people can knock out some Whataburger on the way.
-If the wedding is inside or outside...
-Also, I think picking an after-wedding party destination isn't a bad thing to plan.
2.) I understand religion is a big part of getting married, but I think if you're going to head down that street, make sure you aren't stopping at every house to tell people how GREAT it really is. I think the maximum amount of prayers should be two and I think a sermon is OUT. Nobody likes watching the bride and groom rub hands nervously as a preacher-sort is telling old wedding stories just to wrap them around a theme about how important love is. We know love and loyalty is important, these two people have probably been thinking about this for a WHILE.
3.) If there is a bar area at the wedding, have some sort of a small TV in the area in case an important sporting event is going on.
4.) I'm pretty sure if you're playing rap music at your wedding, you can go ahead and pick up divorce papers on the way home, just so you don't have to when you're all hot and bothered eight months later.
5.) Also, bridesmaids that aren't married or engaged but are dating someone should have some "have a boyfriend" ring thing so they don't get hit on by every single guy next to the groom's grandpa in the room. Here's the thing - Will Ferrell and Owen Wilson have pretty much implanted an idea of "everyone gets laid" with that movie, and every guy between the ages of 17-35 that are single have seen this movie and think it's that easy. Now, they all go to weddings with three Trojans in their pocket and have their eye on every single lady that is wearing a dress and not serving cocktails at the reception. I think we should have a "I have a boyfriend" ring that is like a big black band or something just so the guys know and aren't spending 45 minutes trying to hit an invisible golf ball. This almost seems too easy not to have already happened.
6.) Things that aren't acceptable in the class department:
-Hooting or oohing when the bride and groom kiss.
-Swooping a girl when the guy that was talking to the girl has to take pictures.
-Saying anything negative about the couple at the wedding.
I'm sure I'm missing some stuff but it's early Monday and after 93 holes of golf in three days, I'm beat and pretty worthless.