Wednesday, June 25, 2008


You know, after knocking out the rebuttle yesterday to the constant argument if golf is a sport or not, I've come to the conclusion that I don't believe golf is a sport either.

I know, I know, you come here to feel comfortable about golf, thinking that when you sign on to DTCC, people are accepting of your hobby obsessions. NO MORE! We will not sit here and accept the fact that grown men, WITH CHILDREN, go out all weekend and hit a round ball around a green field that would be better for parks or flag football or corn.

Have you seen what golfers look like? This is what a golfer looks like, not this.

Tell me this -- what "sport" allows someone to have a person carry their bag, even if the entire thing is a four or five mile walk? Walking is for WIMPS! Like my buddy Ryan Wilson told me once, golfing is like hiking only less athletic and at least with hiking there's a chance you get mauled by a bear. Right on, golf courses NEVER have animals that could kill you around the playing surfaces!

You know what else? Golf isn't in the Olympics. The Olympiad was designed to test only the best athletics, and it continues to do that. Sure, Table Tennis (why don't they just call it Ping-Pong like everyone else) is an Olympic sport, as is Trampoline, but you break a sweat with these sports. In golf, you NEVER sweat!

I'm sick and tired of all these people arguing that a game where you hit a ball that isn't even moving could be considered equivalent to a baseball or basketball player. Hitting a golf ball is the easiest thing in the world. It really is!

Golf ambassador and potential Augusta National chairperson Michael Lewis argues that,"For instance, the huge sums paid to real athletes, from real sports, to play golf. The appearance fees that any recently retired jock can earn by playing a round of golf with businesspeople is, on the face of it, bizarre."

You know why they pay these "real athletes" money to play with the business people? Because these guys can master any sport. Look at Charles Barkley. The dude was the MVP of the NBA in 1993, made 11 All-Star teams, is one of the 50 Greatest Players of All-Time and after basketball, decided to wimp down a touch and take up a really dumb, pointless hobby like golf. I guess he didn't have anything else to conquer on the NBA level. Look at this guy's swing!!! Athlete alert, Athlete alert, Athlete alert! Regular golfers salivate at such a beautiful combination of motion. Could you imagine if you were a professional athlete and decided to take up this sport? You'd be the best golfer ON THE PLANET!

Hold on a second, Deloitte just called and they need an ex-pro to complete their business foursome and STAT!

Lewis wrote one of my favorite novels, Moneyball, which is one of the most important baseball books of our generation, and let me tell you, if there is a sport that breaths athleticism, it's baseball damnit!

Say what you want about your precious 18-hole affair, but you don't see any grandmas out on the gridiron come Sunday waiting to get in a few snaps while Peyton Manning drinks an Arnold Palmer and throws down a Club Sandwich with fries. You aren't seeing Fred, the accountant down the hall, posting up Tim Duncan as Duncan struggles to catch his breath.

Golf is a dumb game. You have to account for wind direction, golf course set-up, the pace of the greens, the lie you have in the fairway, how much mud is on your ball, the stance you're taking, the angle to the flag, break, sand, water, noise, and most of all, nerves. You have to make a swing that could reach 120 MPH (even a centimeter off could produce a shank or toe-hook), hit a ball 300 yards down a fairway not 20 yards wide, and keep all that information I previously stated out of your head. A tennis serve? A fast-ball down the middle? An extra-point? All of these things are TONS easier than hitting fairways or greens or making a 20-footers for birdie on the last hole to win. Pussies, why don't you take up knitting or spoon collecting? Honestly, my stamp collection just emailed me and needs a new nerd.

Guys, get off your ass and play a real sport. You know, one you can hurt yourself doing.


John said...

I go with the old definition of "if you can do it without legs, it's not a sport."

A friend of mine who is a professional baseball player - the closest thing to an authority on the subject I could find - agrees with that, so it's good enough for me.

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