Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Chris Berman Gets A Golf Test, Seems Annoying

Even though I'm not really in the "hate everybody that works for ESPN" camp, I do despise Chris Berman like I would a girl with a Venus Flytrap as a vagina.

My main reason is for his invasion into my peaceful world of golf, throwing around nicknames with the voice that sounds like someone trying to stick a fork down a garbage disposal. So, when I came across this amazing question and answer piece by Golf Digest, I was pretty annoyed. Please keep Berman out of anything I actually enjoy reading please. Thank you kindly.

Anyway, here are some of the eye-gougingly annoying best (sic) parts from the Q and A, with my commentary after each answer.

GD / Who’s The King? (A: Arnold Palmer.)

CB / Arnie, of course. I wasn’t around when he was The King, and The Golden Bear was long before me. But 15 years ago, we had Curtis “People Are” Strange, Bob “Curds and” Tway and Mark “Unplayable” Lye. The best golf nickname, which I couldn’t use when I heard his name pronounced correctly, was Jose Maria “Two Strokes” for Oh-lozz-a-ball.

DTCC / Really? That is your question, who is the King? If you work in sports and you don't know that the seven time major championship winner and 62 time winner on tour was named The King, you obviously blew a lot of bosses on your way up. People I think would not know he was named The King in major media -- Stuart Scott (he'd call him Da King), Joe Morgan and probably Skip Bayless (he'd know, he'd just refuse to refer to him as "King").

GD / What did Tiger and Elin Woods name their baby? (A: Sam Alexis Woods.)

CB / I missed it, but I’m thrilled for them. [Told Sam Alexis.] Sam Alexis, huh? S.A.W.? So, we have to nickname the baby already: “Buzz Saw.”

DTCC / This is pretty sad, but I guess I'll let it slide because he does so many sports. "Buzz Saw" could be the worst possibly nickname for an individual and pretty much cements the fact that Berman has never read Deadspin. God, I'd had to be this guys kid.

GD / Who’s the heaviest player to win a tour event in 2007? (A: Mark Calcavecchia, 225 pounds.)

CB / Are you talking Calc? Golfers come in all shapes and sizes. Everybody who sees me on TV thinks I’m a short fat guy, but I’m 6-4½. I’m a tall fat guy.

DTCC / A tall fat guy that is an asshole and yells at people for no real reason. I can honestly say I never thought Berman was this tall. Could you imagine sitting next to this guy on an airplane? With his enormously loud voice, his inability to call people regular names and his linebacker size would be nearly unbearable. I think I'd rather walk in golf spikes to my destination.


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