Bill Simmons is still one of my favorite journalists and I'm not scared to admit that. People tend to give him a ton of shit for his pro-Boston writing, but that is what you get with him and you should accept it or just not read it. Easy as that.
His latest magazine column, which are always a little handcuffed because of size, has a little snippet about the golf high five.
New Rule: U.S. Ryder Cup competitors can give each other only fist bumps...But after two days of watching awkward high-fives, dorky fist pumps and, worst of all, the dreaded two-handed high-five—"perfected" by Jim Furyk and Kenny Perry, who obviously spent months studying tapes of Judge Smails and Dr. Beeper—every big putt had me sweating simply because I was petrified of the ensuing celebration. "No, no, don't go for the two-handed high-five … Nooooo!"
So let's switch to fist bumps. If anyone wants to pull off a three-step handshake/ hug thing after the 18th hole, fine. But only after we name Will.i.am and 50 Cent as assistant captains to teach them. No more Smails/Beeper moments. Please.
See, my only complaint with this, from a 24-year-old kid, is the fist bump is just as bad as the high five. The fist bump was made cool by a younger Tiger Woods (and even Mickelson) but as a good friend of mine said, it's just a way for older guys to think they're younger. No young guy fist bumps.
So, to go with Simmons idea that high fives need to go, I'm throwing out a few options.
-The "run-and-jump-and-hit-your-back-with-your-caddy" move. Honestly, who wouldn't want to see Mickelson running and jumping to hit Bones in the back? I love this so much I just laughed to myself at my desk.
-The back-hand high five. You basically just hit the back of your hands to each other. Hey, it's better than a high five and I feel that you have to concentrate more to make solid contact.
-The "shoot your caddy with the butt end of your putter" move. You drain your putt, you look over at your caddy and shoot them with the butt end of your putter, and they fall over dead. I think this works the best if the caddy really gets into it and runs around like a duck. You take aim, fire and they fall down. Who wouldn't enjoy this?