Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Inevitable but Hilarious

Someone did a video to "Eye of the Tiger," but replaced "eye" with "wife."

Just watch it, and enjoy my favorite part, when she has to pick up the phones and reply really quickly.

A few NSFW lines in the song

h/t Steph

Waking Up in 2010: Is It Possible For Young Guys to Win Majors?

1997. That was the year that Tiger Woods went from "incredible amateur talent" to "holy shit this guy is going to dominate golf like nothing we've seen since Jack," and it happened because he did it at a major championship.

Winning random PGA Tour events is nice. Winning majors makes you a player. A very, very special player.

Since Tiger dominated the Masters that year, 28 people have claimed a major. Ernie Els (2), Justin Leonard, Davis Love III, Mark O'Meara (2), Lee Janzen, Vijay Singh (2), Jose Maria Olazabal, Payne Stewart, Paul Lawrie, Retief Goosen (2), David Duval, David Toms, Rich Beem, Mike Weir, Jim Furyk, Ben Curtis, Shaun Micheel, Phil Mickelson (3), Todd Hamilton, Michael Campbell, Geoff Ogilvy, Zach Johnson, Angel Cabrera (2), Padraig Harrington (3), Trevor Immelman, Lucas Glover, Stewart Cink and Y.E. Yang.

Of those 28, only Leonard, Curtis, Immelman, and Glover were in their 20s, with most in their late 20s. This brings up an interesting question -- is winning major championships a game for the eldest?

Think about it ... in 2009, a 48-year-old Kenny Perry lost to a 39-year-old Angel Cabrera at the Masters, with a 34-year-old Chad Campbell in the mix.

At the U.S. Open, a 29-year-old Lucas Glover was able to hold off 39-year-old Phil Mickelson and 37-year-old David Duval.

The British Open had a, *clears throat*, 59-year-old Tom Watson one up-and-down away from claiming the Claret Jug, only to see a 36-year-old Stewart Cink snag his first major, and the PGA Championship was won by a 37-year-old Y.E. Yang.

So, is winning a major learned in time? Does it take a certain mental state to be able to compete all four rounds of a major, and pull it out at the end? Sergio Garcia has been our closest young gun, competing in tons of majors only to fall short, but it appears that there is that one little thing that can't get the younger professional golfers over the hump.

They might be there for 68 holes. They might stick around for 71 holes. But there is always that one moment when you know it isn't going to happen, and the trophy will be going to a veteran. I asked ESPN's Jason Sobel what he thought of the young-guns drought, and he offered up this.

"There's no doubt that younger players haven't exactly been racking up major titles recently, but this has less to do with age than experience. In my opinion, the most important virtue for a contender at one of the big four is patience -- which of course isn't something that can be practiced on the driving range. There is plenty of talent amongst the newest generation of professionals. Anthony Kim posted a record-breaking 11 birdies in one round at Augusta National, but failed to seriously contend on Sunday afternoon.

It will happen, though. The younger players will earn more experience, learn how to navigate their way around major courses, and we'll be discussing why guys who are even younger can't claim the hardware. It's a never-ending cycle. The list of players who have won majors at a young age is very short and for good reason. Remember: Before winning three majors in two years, Padraig Harrington was known as a perpetual runner-up throughout his career. After those victories, though, he credited just having been in the mix as one of the biggest reasons for finding the winner's circle. The same thing will happen for this younger generation of players. In due time, experience will spawn major titles, as long as the talent is there."

So, with that out there, here is a list, in order, of who looks to be the most likely to do so soon.

1. Rory McIlroy, 20 -- The Northern Ireland flopster played his first full slate of majors in 2009, and finished in the top-10 twice, including a t-3 at the PGA Championship, making the cut in all four. He already won a marquee event at the Dubai Desert Classic, and seems to have the swagger needed to sneak away with a major.

2. Ryo Ishikawa, 18 -- If you think he isn't ready for the spotlight, understand this -- in the first round of the '09 British Open, Ishikawa was paired with Tiger Woods, and beat him, shooting a 68 to Tiger's 71. Sure, he followed that up with a 78 in nasty conditions on Friday, but he rose to the occasion like few have before against the best in the world. He made his first major cut at the PGA Championship, and with a year of majors under his belt, will probably be uncomfortably comfortable at them this year.

3. Anthony Kim, 24 -- Why don't we just file 2009 away for Mr. Kim and be done with it. Two wins in '08, a top-10 at the British and only one missed major cut in his career, Kim absolutely has the game to bring one home. The thing is, can he avoid staying out until 4 AM if he has the lead on Saturday?

4. Rickie Fowler, 21 -- Who cares if he doesn't have much experience (played in two U.S. Opens, made one cut), the guy defines "rise to the occasion." He nearly earned his tour card by playing in just three tournaments as a pro, finishing t-7, t-2 and t-40, and probably would have made it if not for a cancelation at the Vikings Classic. At Q-School, he calmly shot 11-under over six rounds, earned his card, and will be a force in 2010.

5. Chris Wood, 22 -- There might be only one British Open per year, but it appears to be Wood's favorite weekend. He has played in two, and has finished t-5 as an amateur and t-3 this year. Hell, Wood was a 72nd hole bogey away from sneaking in the Watson-Cink playoff, and who knows what would have happened then (36 year difference between competitors would have been fun).

Can one of them do it? Who knows, but I'd say the talent pool is as deep at a young age as it has ever been.

Warren Little, Getty Images

Happy Birthday Tiger Woods!

For some reason, like when I was a kid and could never forget Nolan Ryan's birthday (January 31st), when December 30th rolls around, I remember it's Tiger Woods day of birth (and Lebron's!).

The top golfer in the world is 34 today, and no that is not the updated number of girls the man has slept with, it is his years on this Earth.

I'm assuming his 34th birthday might be the least exciting he can remember, and for good reason, but it would be interesting to be a fly on the wall while Tiger checks his cell phone all day today, reading birthday greetings from whomever will send them along.

Do the ladies text him a happy birthday message? Will Elin call over and say something? Is this going to be a lonely ass day for Mr. Woods?

We will never know, but it is rather interesting to think about.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

And Winner For "Least Likely Story Of the Day" Goes to the Sun!

Two things can be taken from the following story, reported from The Sun about our man Tiger Woods -- either the Sun has a ridiculous source yet they print it anyway (most likely!) or Tiger Woods is the dumbest human on Earth (least likely).

Oh, look, Tiger partying with a chick he banged while married!

LOVE rat Tiger Woods has been seen partying with his alleged mistress Rachel Uchitel, it was reported last night.
The golf legend has been in hiding for a month since the car crash that led to revelations he cheated on wife Elin Nordegren, 29, with several women.

But sources told a US TV show that Woods, 33, and Uchitel, 34, were spotted holding hands at a party in Palm Beach, Florida, on Sunday night.

Some sources told Entertainment Tonight they are living together in the Florida resort.

My favorite part of this story is his new nickname -- "Love Rat." I'm assuming they wanted to stick with the animal nickname to coincide with Tiger, while attempting to paint Woods as some despicable creature that carries the Bubonic Plague and eeks when you shine light in its eyes.

Too bad rhinoceroses aren't known for their cheating ways. I would have loved to read, "Love rhinoceros Tiger Woods ..."

Oh, and the percentage chance of this story actually being true are between 0.00029 and the chance I have of bagging Mila Kunis and Alesandra Ambrosio in the same night. Watch out ladies, a golf blogger is heading your way!

Waking Up in 2010: Can Phil Phinally (Ph)Dominate?

Phil Mickelson is one of the rarest of athletes. He's the one that is better than every single other athlete in his profession in the entire world, except one, which makes him somewhat of a disappointment. Doesn't make sense, right? Keep reading.

Before 2004, he was Philly Gone Bridesmaid, never winning the big tournament but always coming ohsoclose time after time. After he leaped into the major championship class with that birdie at the '04 Masters, we expected floodgates to open, for a reason we now know to be somewhat dimwitted. He won a PGA Championship. He triumphed once again at Augusta National, but some guys can nail the clutch jumper time and time again and some guys clank it off the front of the rim more than they don't.

For all Mickelson's immense talent, he is still the latter of that definition, a guy that you expect to win more big tournaments but see grasping his head after bad decisions, admitting to the masses that he is, in fact, an idiot.

A lot of that changed at the end of '09, when Phil took down Tiger Woods at the Tour Championship with a closing 65, and held the tournament trophy while Woods hoisted the FedEx Cup hardware. After that, Phil won the HSBC Champions and outplayed Tiger at the Presidents Cup, hitting shot after majestic shot close to the pin, winning four matches and raising the simple question, "Has Phil finally figured it out?"

Now, that was then, and this is now, when Woods has been plastered all over every news outlet in the world as a cheat and a liar and a horrible husband and terrible man (their words, not mine). He is taking some time away from the sport he normally dominates, leaving the door open for, among others, Phil Mickelson.

Lefty will turn 40 this summer, and we all know that dominating in this sport, in most cases, starts to decline around this time (Vijay Singh and Kenny Perry might disagree with me). He still has some good years left, but contending in majors after 40 is a stretch.

So .............

Can Phil take advantage of this strange season and dominate? With the tournament locations, it sure seems likely.

First, the Masters will be at Augusta (surprise!), which he has won twice. If someone could tackle this man and convince him to play only the lefty cut, that won him his first Masters, he would probably be the early favorite in Georgia.

After that is Pebble Beach for the U.S. Open, where he has won three times during the annual event at the majestic Monterey Peninsula and finished t-16 in 2000 when Pebble last hosted an Open. It seems that if he goes in playing like he did when the year ended, this wouldn't be a stretch either, considering his past success on the links.

Now comes an interesting thought about the British Open. I long said that Phil could never win a British, just because it couldn't fit his game less, but I've played St. Andrews enough to know one thing. If you are a lefty (raises hand) and commit to moving the ball right to left (a controlled cut that lands soft on the rolling fairways of the Old Course), you have a serious advantage at St. Andrews over the righties that are forced to draw the ball left (you can't miss it right at St. Andrews anywhere), allowing it to run out in areas you don't want to be (see: pot bunkers). Now, saying that, Mickelson has never had much success at St. Andrews, finishing t-40 in 1995, t-11 in 2000 and t-60 in 2005, but if he has some confidence in his game, maybe it would translate. Also, this is me, stretching it.

Oh, and the PGA Championship is at Whistling Straits, a place that last held a major in '04, where Phil finished t-6, and was won by a guy (Singh), who had recently turned 40.

I guess the conclusion is, if Phil really has perfected his short game like some of the gurus are saying, and he can play golf like he did to close out the season, and isn't scared to take down Tiger like he did on the front nine of Augusta in '09, maybe this could be his year instead of Tigers.

All of it, however, comes down to one simple truth -- how sick is Phil of playing that second fiddle? That could be the deciding factor of 2010.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Golf Season Starts ... Next Week?

Amidst all this Tiger Woods calamity, it was easy for even us golf freaks to forget that starting next week, the PGA Tour season will be back in full swing (See what I did there?), as the SBS Championship kicks off in Hawaii on January 7.

Although Woods will not be in the field, that doesn't stop most golfers to start their 2010 season while broadcasters wear ridiculous flowered shirts that make them look like grandpas on their second honeymoons (Ed Note: Just a word of advice ... ditch the flower shirt fashion when you go to the island. It really does make you look like a tourist. As the great "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" reminded us, even when you're wearing that shirt you probably wish you weren't.)

So, what are some of the big storylines this season? Starting today, we will be rolling out a list of what to watch for in the early portion of '10, and who might take advantage of the missing Tiger. Check in daily, and comment on what you think might be a good topic to discuss.

Golf begins next week ... woohoo x 10.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Helen Alfredsson Brings the Fury on Tiger Woods, Admits She Knew He Cheated

I guess we have all learned an important lesson through this Tiger Woods atomic bomb of cheating, and I'm sure you know what I'm talking about ... don't mess with the Swedes.

Helen Alfredsson, a Swedish LPGA golfer who has won seven times on tour, stepped forward on Tiger's cheating ways, admitting that she knew he was cheating on Elin and that it was common knowledge around tour.

"I heard it last summer during the British Open," Alfredsson told Sweden's TV4 station.

That Woods managed to keep his womanizing under wraps for so long clearly galled Alfredsson, who is Swedish, like Nordegren.

"In the quietest water swims the ugliest fish," she said.

Alfredsson, 44, called Woods "cold" and said there is "something odd about him."

"If he just paid for the escorts, I (would) understand it a bit more," she said. "Then no one needed to know. But now he did everything and a girlfriend and everything."

Helen, 44, is the first professional golfer to come forward about Tiger's cheating ways, and she hath done so in a fury. No men have said much on the subject, but I'm pretty sure that lies with two things -- the man code, and the fact that a lot of them are probably cheating in their own regard, and don't want Tiger to give them the reach-around if they rat first.

Nonetheless, it appears at this point, the only people that didn't know Tiger was messing around was us.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Your 2009 PGA Tour Players Wish List

Since Christmas is tomorrow, and golf news has come to a screeching halt (seriously, where are all these other chicks Tiger slept with? I figured we'd get at least 40-50 but nobody has come forward in over a week? Maybe he killed the others.), I decided it was time for a wish list from some of our PGA Tour players for the holiday.

Here is what I expect most famous golfers are wishing for comes under their tree manana.

Sergio Garcia -- For the last 10 years back

John Daly -- That somehow Lap Band and Jack Daniels merge and form some sort of mega-whisky stomach diet that would make Daly turn into Benjamin Button.

Tom Watson -- That the R & A decide that 72 holes at Turnberry were too tough this year, and change the results to only reflect 71.

Kenny Perry -- The exact same as Tom, except at a course further west.

Camilo Villegas -- /forgets wish list ... continues to do sit-ups

Tim Finchem -- That the taste of revolver wasn't so "metallic-y."


Phil Mickelson -- After the last month, absolutely and utterly nothing.

Anthony Kim -- That 2009 ends very, very quickly.

David Duval -- That every tournament decides to be played at Bethpage Black.

Jack Nicklaus -- That Tiger takes his advice and sits this year out. The majors aren't set up for him anyway, eh Jack?

Arnold Palmer -- Screw it ... Arnie, thank you for creating the best drink to come our way since Diet Dr. Pepper.

Tiger Woods -- That the world continues the forgive our collective sports heros, even if they screwed things up pretty bad.

Oh, and women will still sleep with him. I'm thinking he's going to want that as well.

Got anymore? Add 'em up. Merry Christmas from DTCC.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Check out the Devil Ball Podcast

I haven't been touting this as much as I should, but The Great Jay Busbee (his official name) and I have been teaming up for his podcast the last month or so, and our chemistry is getting better and better.

The latest, posted today, is a must-listen, especially if you're hungover from Christmas week and know you aren't getting any work today.

Check it out, let me know what you think, and keep checking both Jay's site and mine (but more Jays ... he is funnier).

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Happy Holidays From St. Andrews

The good folks at the Braeside Inn, a quaint bed and breakfast in the heart of St. Andrews, e-mailed me a few photos of the Old Course at St. Andrews like you don't normally see it.

I guarantee it would make it tougher to play out of the killer bunkers with a foot of snow in them. Happy holidays!

Monday, December 21, 2009

John Daly Channels His Inner Joseph

Last Friday, John Daly was on CBS, talking Tiger Woods. That was obviously the secondary story because, well, it appears John lost a bet with Roy G. Biv. It makes Bill Cosby's sweater choices look tame by comparison.

This is typical "fat person gets skinny and thinks he can rock whatever he wants to toss over those shoulders" syndrome, but hell, good for Medium Sized Big John. I say the zanier, the better.

h/t Mr. Wilson

Saturday, December 19, 2009

A Scary (But True) Sensation

For anyone that has ever spent time enthralled in my golf musings, you know that I rooted for Tiger Woods. It was more a fan of his work than the guy, mainly because since I was a kid, I strove to be a professional golfer. It was my astronaut dream. Tiger has always made golf as simple as it looks like on paper. Hit a fairway, hit a green, make a putt, score low.

This afternoon, before the Cowboys went into the Superdome and beat the Saints, I wasted time with the Golf Channel, watching a highlight of the 2009 PGA Championship, when Y.E. Yang took down Woods for the first time ever when Tiger was holding a 54-hole lead in a major championship. As any person knows, your heart feels certain ways and there is no changing that, and for me watching that tournament, a weird sensation came over me.

I viewed Tiger as the bad guy. He was the antagonist and anything he did came off as gruff, and some of his looks were cocky, not confident like they used to be.

I began having a mini-internal battle with myself, trying not to root against Tiger but not being able to overcome this anxiety I had with him at a tournament I already knew the result of.

So, the question is this ... can my feelings for someone I once admired change that drastically? And will I be in the majority with this? Are more people going to view Tiger as the bad guy now that all this negative attention has hit? His fist pumps come off as smug. His confident stare is now one of ugly ego. His closet is wide open, and the skeletons have been impossible to miss.

I just thought the feeling was worth sharing. I'm sure eventually, like the public's view of Michael Vick has changed, we will all be able to see Tiger as the successful golfer and not the cheating husband, but it could be that he will always be tainted.

I know that for the first time, I was rooting for a guy named Y.E. Yang to beat a golfer I'd been a fan of since high school. Strange days are upon us.

Friday, December 18, 2009

The Week That Was: Even Mr. Green Suit Slept With Tiger Woods

I can say this with absolute conviction ... if you started a golf blog these past three weeks, you probably got the best traffic you will ever have as long as you keep the blog around. Trust me. I've been here for Masters past. I've seen Ryder Cup glory. It ain't nothing like the Tiger Woods scandal.

This week alone, mistresses have come forward, doctors have gotten into trouble and HGH became something worth mentioning in the golf world. We've learned that the Tiger story has been bigger than 9/11, in terms of outreach, and that is sad in and of itself.

So, green man's package aside, I wanted to take this Friday night to wish everyone a safe weekend. Enjoy the holiday parties. Have some eggnog. Spend some time with the buddies that work so hard all year at making you laugh.

My buddies and I started a tradition last year of hitting up a bar in Scottsdale called Coach House, that is decorated with more Christmas lights than Washington D.C. I'll be there. Stay safe. Have a good weekend. Oh, and try not to sleep with Tiger. Thanks.

Why All of "This" Will Make Tiger Woods a Better Golfer

I'm assuming since you're reading this, you're either my mom or a golfer, and you probably aren't my mom because she doesn't think the dirty joke you just thought of (you filthy animal).

Now, riddle me this ... you got a lot of stuff going on at work. Big project, due date is approaching, you aren't anywhere close to finishing and you're stressed. Now, on top of that, you are in a big fight with the wife and your kids have Christmas recitals approaching and you are forced to be Mr. Mom with all that. You are playing 18 holes because you committed to your buddies a while back and if you pulled out they'd never let you hear the end of it. So, let us rank your current situation, focus-wise.

1.) Work Project
2.) Pissy Wife
3.) Kids Stuff
4.) Golf

That seems about right. Now, tell me this ... how do you think you'd play that day? You have 10 million things going on in your mind, none of which revolve around that white Titleist you are about to swing at on a tight par-4 with water on the right-hand side.

You're not going to play well. Nobody ever plays solid golf under these circumstances. Golf takes a certain amount of focus and when other things in your life are taking precedent over your score, it probably means you will not be keeping that score come the 5th hole.

How does this relate to Tiger Woods and his golf game? Well, imagine this, and I don't think it is too far of a stretch considering the amount of negative emotion Tiger showed on the course this season. You are perceived as a saint, yet you're doing things most would frown on. Your Rolodex of females has ballooned to the point where even your mistresses are getting frustrated with your other mistresses. Your wife may or may not know that you've been doing the dirty with others, and this is all having to sit in that mind of yours, completely concealed from the rest of the world, save a buddy or two. How are you expected to play your best golf? Sure, Tiger's B-game won six times this season, but he has been the biggest advocate for having to play his best in order to win major championships, and he wasn't able to do that this season.

Some of that could have been bad breaks, but the theory that this was on his mind, thus forcing him to never jump that last hurdle isn't ridiculous.

So, now his life is plastered all over the Internet, for all to see. We know who he is. We see what kind of person we have cheered for and loved and enjoyed. Nothing is much of a secret anymore. How does this not free up his mind? Sure, he might get divorced and people might look at him like a sleezeball from this point forward, but at least his laundry will be blowing in the wind. There are no more secrets, for better or for worse.

That's why, when Tiger finally gets past this, his game might reflect it. He might start playing the golf we saw back in the early 2000s, before he was married, when he went on runs when his game was flawless. It will make us love him again because he's doing what we loved. Dominating, in a game that shouldn't be dominating.

Don't believe me? Try swinging a golf club with 800-pound gorilla on your back, then try taking it back gorilla free. I bet you make a better pass when there is nothing bothering you. That's why, when Tiger decides to return in 2010, it could be bad for everyone else.

Stuart Franklin, Getty Images

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Tiger Woods, Driving Ranges, Cartoons and Cereal

For golfers, meditation is done in the dirt. When times get tough, normally we spend our time beating golf balls, mainly because it gives us a chance to clear our head and focus on something that, like life, isn't completely attainable. Golf's a bitch, just like life, yet we still play the game.

According to a report by, and I wish there was a code to make font really, really small, US Weekly, Tiger is spending his time at the range, working on his game at night as not to be bothered. It might seem a bit odd until you realize that going out of the house is probably an enormous decision for Tiger, so being somewhere with the least amount of fanfare is best for Woods at this time.

Along with the news that he is grinding on his game, the story also says that Tiger is spending time inside his house, eating cereal and watching cartoons, an act that some friends, and I quote, think is "very unhealthy."

Since there isn't much else to report about Tiger, here is a list of the top-10 most likely cartoons Tiger is watching.

10.) Transformers
9.) Fantastic (1)4
8.) Star Blazers
7.) Rugrats
6.) Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist
5.) Josie and the Pussycats
4.) The Might Mighty Playhouse
3.) Woody Woodpecker
2.) The Powerpuff Girls
1.) Family Guy

Oh, and while we're at it. Here are the top-10 most likely cereals Tiger is munching on (pun intended).

10.) Team Cherrios
9.) Circus Fun
8.) Cream of Wheat
7.) Hidden Treasures
6.) Just Right
5.) Kaboom!
4.) Temptations French Vanilla Cereal
3.) Lucky Charms
2.) Life
1.) Trix

And yes, this is my brain, turned into mush.

Colbert Piles on the Accenture Decision

Last night, Stephen Colbert decided to be funny for once, and talked about the Accenture decision to drop Tiger Woods.

Honestly, I couldn't say anything that would help this clip. Well played, sir.

Also, the "best a man can get" line was incredible, and exactly what most of us have been thinking when the list of ladies has rolled on out.


Mr. Geoff Shackelford posted this interesting quote today by FAMILY MAN Phil Mickelson about all the possibly equipment changes and what he sees wrong with the ideas.

Here is what Lefty told Golf Digest ...

I believe it is our job to entertain, and it is difficult to do things others can't when we roll back equipment rules. If we play with a golf ball that is 10 percent rolled back and we used to hit it 300 yards, now we're hitting it 270 yards. Well, fans that come to a tour event are not going to be impressed by that. It is detrimental to the PGA Tour that we will no longer be able to hit those shots around the green that we were able to in the past -- the shots people pay to see.

Personally, I think Mickelson is spot on, even though there is a wrinkle to all of this that we are starting to see. Basically, in all sports, not golf in particular, the athletes have become so superior to what we used to see, that the old school rules are basically outdated. It is similar to having neighborhood speed limits stay at 30. That speed was mandated years ago, when cars weren't nearly as sophisticated as they are now, and people needed to keep the speed low for reactionary situations. Now, with the new braking systems and such in cars, neighborhoods could beef up speed limits to 45 or 50 and it would be the same as 30 in the old days, but they don't.

It is like basketball goals at 10 feet. Back in the day, 10 feet was fine, but these guys can jump out of the gym. With that said, raising the goal would only make the games less entertaining, since fewer of the athletes could thrown down on a 11 or 12 foot goal.

That is the same with golf. You go to watch pro golf because they are better at everything. They hit the ball further, they toss irons in close and they make a lot of low numbers. Scaling back the ball is only going to take away from that.

No matter what you say about sports, at the end of the day it is about entertainment. Phil is spot-on here with his assessment. Your thoughts?

Accenture Wants You To Know That it Now Hates Tiger Woods

Last year, Accenture, a global management consulting, technology consulting and technology outsourcing company, spent $50 million on advertising in the United States, with 83 percent of all that focused on Tiger Woods, their main man who was dubiously attached to their catch phrase, "Go on, be a Tiger."

After dropping Tiger last week as their leading spokesperson, because of what I'm now calling "Infidelity and Escalades," (that might the title of my first CD), Accenture has decided to go crazy ex-girlfriend, and delete anything and everything that has to do with Tiger as quickly as possible.

The New York Times reports ...

On Sunday, hours after Accenture ended its sponsorship deal, the golfer’s face was replaced by an anonymous skier on the company’s home page. His name was scrubbed almost completely from the rest of the Web site. The company’s advertising campaign is about “high performance,” and Mr. Woods “just wasn’t a metaphor for high performance anymore,” a spokesman for Accenture, Fred Hawrysh, said.

By Monday afternoon, Accenture staffers had swept through the company’s New York office and removed any visible Tiger posters. The next day, marketing and communications employees around the world were asked to turn in any remaining Tiger-emblazoned posters and other materials. Accenture marketing employees did not respond to requests for comment about the Tiger purge on Wednesday.

Accenture said it did not tell all of its 177,000 worldwide employees to toss their Tiger T-shirts, caps and tchotchkes away. But when asked about branded merchandise, Mr. Hawrysh said, “Our intention is to ensure we are no longer using it internally or externally.”

As part of their winter cleaning, e-mails have been sent out to employees urging them not to include Tiger in their sales pitch and anyone with Woods merchandise linked to Accenture is being asked to return it for disposal (read: the anti-Ebay move).

All of this stuff is rather ironic if you think about it. Companies like Accenture hired Woods because he was the most clean-cut athlete on the planet, they guy you'd want pushing your product because unlike most celebrities, he seemed like the man you'd want to agree with on business decisions.

Three weeks later, Accenture is going all Säuberung on Tiger, and all they're missing is a big pile in the middle of the office for the burning ceremony.

I'm not what you'd call a marketing genius by any means, but I think my first step would be to delete the ads that are actually being seen by thousands a day, like in airports. By some accounts, those are the ones that are still up.

(Also, it is worth noting that the Tiger-Accenture ads might rank at the top of the unintentional comedy scale. Just look at the one above. It has "exit strategy" as one of the things Tiger needs to focus on.)

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

And Now Video Evidence of the Bubba Watson Scramble

Chad Martin was nice of enough to film this short clip of me hitting a golf shot with Bubba Watson. It was the first hole at TPC Scottsdale, and I actually hit a pretty good ball. As you can see, Bubba was SUPER impressed!

Simple Yet Glorious

I couldn't tell you the last time I sat down and watched a full "Sportscenter," mostly because I can find most highlights online with less Rick Reilly and Stuart Scott. That said, it still has the best commercials imaginable, and this one with Arnold Palmer is another winner.

The only thing better than this would have been John Daly behind him, doing the same thing, only to dribble a little vodka in. Well played, Sportscenter. Well played.

Top 10 Golf Stories of 2009

2009 had a lot of things that happened. It is kinda like every other year. We took a lot of time to put together the list of top-10 stories in the golf world this season, and present them now. Enjoy.

10.) McIlroy Wins in Europe, Ishikawa Wins In Japan -- We are always looking at who can be the next big thing in golf, and it appears two non-Americans might be the leading candidates. Rory McIlroy, 20, won his first professional tournament at the Dubai Desert Classic in February, and made the cut in all four major championships, including a T-3 at the PGA Championship, while 18-year-old Ryo Ishikawa won three times on the Japanese Tour. Ishikawa missed the cut at the Masters and British Open, but made his first major cut at the PGA Championship, finishing t-56.

9.) This --

8.) John Daly Loses Weight -- You mostly remember John Daly as this, but the guy got Lap-Band and is a fragment of his previous overweight self. Daly's game might not have reflected the change (he made just three of six cuts on the PGA Tour) but he looks better and seems to be happier. Oh, and he wants Matt Damon to play him in a movie. Yeah, can't forget that.

Tiger Woods Will Soon Be Single

If the goal of all this Tiger Woods saga was for him to end up single so he could go around, sleeping with anyone that had two legs and breasts, luck has struck, because a few sources are saying Elin is planning on divorcing the golfer for reasons I can't quite put my finger on yet.

For the first time ever on this site, I will type the following. People magazine reports ...

The holidays may bring a final showdown in the marriage of Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren, a source close to the golfer's wife tells PEOPLE, saying, "She plans to leave Tiger."

Another source says, "She's made up her mind. There's nothing to think about: he's never going to change,"

This seemed pretty apparent if you followed any of this. Sleep with one lady while you're married is wrong. Banging enough people to make up a softball team is a whole other.

This might end up being the best thing for Tiger, even if it screws the kids and his wife up for good. He can probably go play golf and not worry about all this. A guy wrecked another marriage. It happens thousands of times a day in all walks of life. His just happened to be the lead story in every major news outlet imaginable.

As I keep saying, more to come.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I'm Sorry, But This is Rather Entertaining

Yeah yeah yeah ... it's pilling on, it's dumb, it isn't appropriate and I'm probably one of "those guys" by posting it, but this t-shirt is hilarious.

I'm sorry.

A buddy and I talked the other day of the amount of money one could make it he marketed trashy things towards the Tiger Woods scandal, and it appears it has already taken shape. You can buy a buddy this shirt right here if you'd like.

Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a shirt pointed at infidelity!

Well, This Doesn't Look So Good

Remember Thanksgiving week, when Tiger Woods was still the guy we thought he was, before all the cheating and Escalades and possible broken teeth came about?

Yeah, the week before that, Tiger did an interview with New Zealand Sky Sports, and it makes him look even more like a dog than what transpired.

Read on, loyal readers ...

Asked in the interview "family first and golf second ... always been that way?" Woods replied: "Always. Always."

He goes on to say that having a family - he has two young children with wife Elin Nordegren - "has been great, actually, the best thing that ever happened."

Hummm. I mean, at this point he was still fooling everyone into think he was this polished husband and father, so I guess answering things to that effect is the only way to do it, but boy is this going to make Mr. Woods look even worse.

Oh, and why not screw Steve Williams why we're at it.

During the interview Woods said he and Williams are "great friends".

"We talk about anything and everything together," he said.

Williams told interviewer Murray Deaker he and Woods had a relationship that was "just like a marriage really."

"The longer you go on, the more you know about one another," Williams said.

Obviously the red flag is raised here since Williams said vehemently that, "I do not have any personal knowledge of anything in the reports related to the Tiger Woods' stories."

You know, this stuff just gets crazier, but it is interviews like this that is going to make a majority of female fans hate the guy. He is balls deep in affairs, literally, and still spitting out clean-cut answers like he's a member of the Brady Bunch. I guess to continue with the analogy, the car wreck could have been the football that smashed Marcia's nose, and the rest of the landslide could have been the deleted scenes when all the kid started doing meth and pimping themselves out to the neighbors for drug money. ♫ The Bradddddy Bunch, The Braaaaaaddddy Bunchh ... ♫

Tiger Woods and HGH ... How Everything You Once Believed Is Officially Lost Forever

Over the past few years, I've had the "has Tiger Woods done steroids" talk with golf fans and buddies at least 100 times, always defending the golfer because of this argument -- "Tiger is too smart and too focused on winning major championships to do such a thing."

In light of recent events in Tiger's life, I think both those arguments can be tossed out the window, and now, like many others, there is no true knowledge of what Woods has and hasn't done in his life. We all have been waiting for that other foot to drop in the past few weeks, and it appears Human growth hormones (HGH) might be just that.

A Canadian based doctor that worked with Tiger after his knee surgery is under investigation for providing certain athletes with performance-enhancing drugs, according to a report by the New York Times.

The F.B.I. investigation of Dr. Anthony Galea, a sports medicine specialist who has treated hundreds of professional athletes across many sports, follows his arrest on Oct. 15 in Toronto by the Canadian police. Human growth hormone and Actovegin, a drug extracted from calf’s blood, were found in his medical bag at the United States-Canada border in late September. Using, selling or importing Actovegin is illegal in the United States.

Dr. Galea is also being investigated by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police for smuggling, advertising and selling unapproved drugs as well as criminal conspiracy. He is tentatively scheduled to appear in a Canadian courtroom on Friday.

According to the report, Galea and Woods were introduced by IMG after some were concerned that Tiger's knee wasn't healing fast enough after his 2008 operation. Tiger and Galea met at least four times, with Tiger text-messaging Galea after one meeting praising the doctor, where Galea used what is called platelet therapy, a process that puts, "a small amount of the patient’s blood in a centrifuge, which separates the red blood cells from the platelets that release proteins and other particles involved in the body’s healing process." According to the story, the high number of platelets can help speed up the growth of new soft-tissue or bone cells three to 10 times that of normal blood.

Some athletes have referred to Dr. Galea as Miracle Man for his ability to speed up recovery, and his Rolodex includes Dara Torres, Chris Simms and Javon Walker. Apparently, the doctor that headed Tiger's rehabilitation process, Mark Lindsay, asked Galea to take a look at Tiger in February of this year, and that is when the relationship begun.

Tiger's agent, Mark Steinberg of IMG, told the New York Times, after they approached him about the story, "I would really ask that you guys don’t write this? If Tiger is NOT implicated, and won’t be, let’s please give the kid a break.”

Obviously more is to come of this, but right now it seems that a man in trouble for HGH was one of the main reasons Tiger was able to heal as fast as he did in such a short period of time. It is a slippery slope when you assume things early in an investigation, but obviously this is a doctor that has used things that are illegal in the United States before, so to think he wouldn't use them again is a bit shortsighted.

As you probably assume, as you sip your coffee, tons more on this to come. Stay tuned, and follow me on Twitter for breaking news on such events.

Stan Badz,PGA Tour/Getty

Monday, December 14, 2009


You know those guys that bag a lot of chicks? They'll bang anything that walks, and meet up with their buddies the following morning and chat about the night before? Yeah, those guys. Imagine one of those guys talking shit about Tiger Woods. Wouldn't that be hysterical?

Oh, would you lookie there, Hugh Hefner said he doesn't approve of Tiger's behavior. Kettle, you are as black as night.

"But I don't approve of (his behavior). I just was not surprised by it," Hefner said. "The reason that I wasn't surprised is that he’s traveling the world. He's a handsome, young guy and beautiful ladies are throwing themselves at him. You never know the circumstances of a personal relationship or a marriage and how well it worked and I think that the immorality of infidelity is the lie. It isn't really the sex. It's the cheating."

You know the best way Elin could get back at Tiger? Pose for Playboy. Yep, I've decided it. She should do a 12-page spread for Hefner, possibly with Phil Mickelson as the photographer. I think that would make Tiger jealous, and possibly save the magazine industry all in one fell swoop.

What does that have anything to do with what Hefner said? It doesn't really, but anytime I can suggest Elin getting naked in a magazine, I have to do it. It's part of my contractual agreement.

Legacy over Life ... How Tiger Woods Will Be Giving Up One for the Other

As you've heard by now, Tiger Woods is taking some time away from golf, an indefinite leave of absence, to try and repair his life situation. It appears now that the last few years have been a hoax, not just to his close family and friends, but to us, his followers.

See, that is what I am. A follower of Tiger. He is my generation's super athlete, a freak guy that can do things in sports so much better than everyone else that he comes across as super human. A man among boys.

My dad had Jack Nicklaus. My brother-in-law had Michael Jordan. I get Tiger. He's mine.

Maybe for me, it's a bit more personal, since most of my life has been revolving around that stupid dimpled ball that I can't quite get to do what I need it to do to make a living with it as my companion. Tiger can. He always has been able to, since he was a kid on the Mike Douglas Show hitting the ball more solid than most 30-year-olds.

His legacy has always been paved for him. Become a professional, win major championships, and leave this world the best golfer we have ever seen. What possibly surprised us was how fast that came about. He won the Masters in 1997 by 12 shots. He followed that up with a PGA Championship victory in '99 after some swing changes, and went on to treat major championships like they were apples you could simply pick off a tree.

Now, unlike the past, when his swing needed adjusting, it is his life that is going to need to be more on plane. He obviously can't continue living the way he has, but a few things need to be addressed after his talk of taking time away from the game.

Is the legacy of Tiger Woods worth it? Now, as you shake your head I want you to understand one thing. In no way am I suggesting that he shouldn't be trying to manage his marriage if it is still manageable. I think that he owes it to his wife and kids to try and fix what he recklessly tore apart. But, what I am suggesting is that all his life, Tiger has had one goal.

One goal. Unlike you and I, who might have dreamed of rolling in a birdie putt to win the Masters but will never see Augusta National, Tiger has his goal in sight. This is something he has always wanted. Always.

And because of him, people like myself want it to. I want to see 19. I want to see 20.

To us, it was never his character we were in love with, it was his game. We loved that he could master golf, the most frustrating four letter word ever uttered. Something that has guys like Phil Mickelson clutching his head with both hands after making double-bogey at the U.S. Open and people like Sergio Garcia starring dumbfounded at a golf hole that viciously spit his ball back at him at the British Open.

Golf doesn't care who you are, or what you've done. You get the bad breaks and the good breaks alike, but with Tiger it seemed he always got the good breaks and it was a joy to see it happen. Until the 2009 PGA Championship, Tiger had never lost a lead at a major after 54 holes. Just writing that stat gives me goosebumps. It shouldn't be like that.

Now, everyone will be giving up a little because of these recent, very personal, events. Who knows what was going on with Tiger when he decided he'd start fooling around. Nobody knows if this was something that had gone on the entire time or recently or whatever. We just know that because of Tiger, the guy, we are could be missing out on Tiger, the legacy.

Being dominant in a sport can go at any age, and many golfers can attest to that. With Woods turning 34 in just a few weeks, who knows how many more chances he will have at winning the big one, and creeping up on Jack and his 18. If a personal decision cost Tiger a shot at making history, he won't just have cheated his wife. He will have cheated every golf fan who ever lived.

I bet that girl doesn't look so sexy now, does she?

Scott Halleran, Getty Images

Sunday, December 13, 2009

DTCC Christmas Guide Coming Soon

Hello all,

First, Happy Holidays. If you're Jewish, Happy Hanukkah. If you're not, Merry Christmas. And if you're a golfer, you're already trying to figure out a way you can sneak nine holes in on December 25.

Anyway, I am compiling a Christmas list that will be up in the next few days. If you have any golf gadgets/Christmas suggestions/presents that a golfer can't live without, fire me an e-mail. Shanebacon at gmail dot com. I'm trying to find things people actually use and enjoy.

Thanks for the help.

Saturday Night Live Does Tim Finchem

A month ago, I would bet a good chunk of change that most Saturday Night Live cast members had no idea the name of the PGA Tour commissioner, Tim Finchem. With the news that Tiger Woods did, well, everyone, and now is taking time away from golf, the spoof show had to take advantage of Finchem's recently greying hair.

I thought this was cute. A pretty funny skit, and anytime you get to make fun of the horrible "Old Dogs" movie, you're alright with me. Also, the "We have an African golfer ... who cares if it's Nick Price" was LOL-worthy. And you guys know the way to my heart when someone talks about "Jersey Shore." It's like they wrote this skit for me and only me!

h/t the Wonderful Wei

Friday, December 11, 2009

Bacon and Bubba

"Holy shit."

Those were the two words that popped in my head the first time Bubba Watson hit a drive at TPC Scottsdale. You need to understand something so that these words truly sink in. I hit the ball over 300 yards. I have played with guys that can do all sorts of things with the golf ball. Length is something that doesn't impress me. It's just a skill, like putting, that people tend to overrate (whereas, putting should be overrated but rarely is).

All of that didn't matter when Bubba took his first swing on the par-4 8th hole, our first hole of the Birdies for the Brave scramble that Watson so graciously asked me to attend.

"Holy shit." He pummeled it. Absolutely pissed on the golf ball. Color me impressed.

And so our journey began. Bubba, his wonderful wife Angie, and Chad Martin, a business associate of Bubbas who couldn't have been nicer throughout the day as we tried to retain our manhood and win a random scramble for a great cause.

The first hole was shaky, I must admit. My drive sailed right, an area I hardly ever find (naturally left-handed cutter of the ball) and Bubba made the initial birdie all on his own. That didn't stop us from making 11 more, with four eagles and two pars, and finishing a salty 20-under par to take the title by five shots.

A few interesting things that happened during the day.

First, the group in front of us must have began the free beer very early because they challenged us to a drink after the round for low score. I wantd to scream, "Guys, this is Bubba Watson here!" but I didn't, and we smoked 'em.

After our second hole, I settled down and started making some decent swings. That first decent swing came on the par-4 10th hole, our third, when we actually took my drive over Bubbas because it had a better angle into the pin and was only a couple of yards behind his. Yep, that's right. (But to be fair to Mr. Watson, the forecaddie told us his landed on an upslope and barely moved, while mine rolled out.)

I hit my driver really well the rest of the day, giving Bubba the ability to, and I quote him, "hit a draw on this one." Basically, Bubba doesn't hit a draw, and when he says he's "hitting a draw on this one" it means the ball might move a yard left to right, and that's pushing it (no pun intended). No matter, when he "draws" it, he absolutely murders it, as defined by our last hole. Playing around 365 yards, I hit the best drive of my day, leaving the ball about 40 yards short of the green. Bubba "drew" his, forcing our forecaddie to scream "FORE GREEN!" to the guys putting out before his ball landed a yard short of the putting surface, ending up in a bunker (that he nearly holed for a two).

Bubba's wife Angie's putter could have been the answer for cold fusion on Friday at TPC. That thing was so hot I was scared to park my cart close to it. Seriously. She made 5-7 of our birdie putts, and these weren't always tap-ins. Most were between 6-12 feet, and she calmly rolled them in like it was another day at the office. Very impressive, and her golf game is something to be proud of.

Bubba's putter wasn't far behind. That thing was clutch, but the more amazing thing were the putts he didn't make. Both were perfectly on line to where he wanted to him him, with the alignment line pointing straight at the hole the entire time.

The entire thing was fun, but maybe one of the best moments came on the 18th hole, when a few ladies were at a table asking for some money for our troops. The gist of the deal was this -- give at least $20 to the troops, and no matter how you hit your tee shot, you get to drop it by J.B. Holmes' famous tee shot on the 18th when he flew it over 350-yards.

The ladies obviously didn't know who Bubba was, and when he dropped a Benjamin with a smile, they were grateful. I hit a monster drive, that came up short of Holmes by a few yards (and we were playing a set of tees up). Bubba went after one, flying Holmes spot and joking after, "You should tell people for $30, they can drop it by Bubba."

A good day on the links.

Tiger Takes a Break From His Job

Jobs are exactly what they are ... something we do to earn a living. Some of us make pennies. Some of us make hundreds. No matter the price, they are still our jobs.

Tiger Woods, on the heels of basically everything bad happening to him short of being beheaded by the Taliban, has decided to take an indefinite leave of absence from the game.

From his website ...

I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I've done, but I want to do my best to try.

I would like to ask everyone, including my fans, the good people at my foundation, business partners, the PGA Tour, and my fellow competitors, for their understanding. What's most important now is that my family has the time, privacy, and safe haven we will need for personal healing.

After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.

Again, I ask for privacy for my family and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period.

Sounds pretty sincere from Mr. Woods.

With that said, I know one Person tHat wIll be happy about the Latest announcement.

Life & Style is a Legit News Source

As you've now heard, Ben Crane and a golfer by the name of Charles Warren came out on Thursday blasting Tiger Woods for being everything short of a communist to a magazine named Life & Style.

According to Wikipedia (see how I use another legit news source to dog the prior one!), Life & Style is, "an American celebrity gossip magazine, launched in 2004 by the Bauer publishing conglomerate.

Although it is celebrity-focused, the magazine is geared towards lifestyle trends, and bills itself on "helping readers incorporate" celebrity beauty, clothing and body trends into their own lifestyle."

What that forgot to say was, "golfing enthusiasts that know a ton about the PGA Tour and the players that are a part of it" because it appears neither golfer ever talked to the magazine and whoever was reporting the story basically asked two random strangers about Tiger Woods and got quotes and then linked whoever these two people were with professional golfer names.

Ben Crane is quoted as saying Woods is a "phony and a fake." Crane tells The Associated Press he was never at PGA Tour qualifying school last week, where the interview was to have taken place, and he has not spoken about Woods' situation.

Charles Warren, whom the magazine quoted as saying Woods' wife should leave him, says he never spoke to the publication.

Life & Style says a freelance reporter spoke to two players who identified themselves as Crane and Warren.

See, this is why American journalism is so awesome. I'll give you a for instance. Say I wanted the world to know that I, Shane Bacon, was dating the one Megan Fox. Here is what I'd do. I'd call Life & Style and do a girly voice, claiming to be Megan Fox. After the lucky reporter picked up the dropped phone from getting such an incredible scoop, she'd ask what was up. I'd say, "Oh, not much, just had some personal knowledge I'd like to pass along," like every celebrity loves to do when talking to gossip magazines. The reporter, stumbling over her own feet to get a pad of paper and a recorder, would ask what she needed to get off her breasts chest.

I would then answer, in my girly Megan voice, "I'm in love with Shane Bacon, the blogger."


See, now I'm famous. I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner. Life & Style is going to make me the big bucks! I can see it now!

(Also, can't mention Life & Style without mentioning the e-mail they sent Daulerio at Deadspin yesterday. Stay hot, L&S.)

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Today's Lesson in Unfortunate Advertising

So, remember earlier on Thursday, when it came out that Ben Crane was talking serious trash about the struggling Tiger Woods, saying, "This is no surprise to anyone who knows Tiger," Crane tells Life & Style. "He's a phony and a fake and he can't retain that squeaky-clean endorsement deal any longer."

Well, the phony was really just Life & Style, who supposedly (and I'm sure more details will come) interviewed someone at Q-School that identified himself as Crane (who finished 51st on the '09 Money List) but obviously wasn't him.

All this really sucks, and the reason is Puma. Yep, Puma. The clothing company has a current ad on their website that I screengrabbed.

As you can see, this would have been the most incredible coincidence in the history of sports advertising, but it doesn't matter since Crane didn't say the things about Tiger.

So, for this post, and this post only, act like he did say them. Ben Crane hates Tiger!!! Puma is so screwed!!!

Playing With Bubba Watson

If you follow me on Twitter (and if you don't, stop being a dick and do it), you probably already know what transpired earlier this week.

Basically, Bubba Watson, a PGA Tour professional who tends to hit the golf ball a country mile off the tee and doesn't carry a 3-wood because he never really needs it on par-5s, sent out a message to the masses on Twitter asking if anyone was interesting in completing his foursome this Friday at some charity event called Birdies for the Brave.

I actually never saw the tweet, but my buddy TheOldMarPar suggested it in and I noticed his tweet. Next thing I know, I'm having a glass of Cab at the La Costa resort in San Diego with a buddy and I get a message. "Hey do you want to play on Friday with us! (sic)", was what Bubba asked and since I'm a blogger that spends most of his time drinking Red Bull and attempting to do pull-ups on his bar in apartment, I answered yes. Obviously.

It turns out, this was some sort of contest or something, and Bubba liked the line on my Twitter profile about avoiding bogeys (I'm so clever!).

So, this Friday morning, I will be paired with Bubba, his wife and a work associate of his and be tearing through TPC Scottsdale, home of the newly minted Waste Management Open, in a scramble format that should be, for lack of a better term, wedge-y. (I'm saying that mostly because I tend to hit the ball around the 300-yard mark and Bubba obviously hits it further than that, so if one of us can find a fairway there shouldn't be more than a wedge in our hands, especially at the relatively mild TPC Scottsdale.)

Throughout the Friday round, I'm planning on pointing the 'ol Blackberry Bold towards Twitter and sending any and all updates that I think people would find interesting. Trust me, this won't be something like, "6-iron from 195." I know you guys better than that. I'm thinking more like, "Corona Girls on the 14th tee looks awkwardly like Rachel Uchitel and has a Nike tattoo on her ankle." You know, that sort of thing.

So, yeah. Bacon and Bubba. I better go hit some range balls.

Is Ben Crane Being Serious Right Now?

UPDATE: According to ESPN's Jason Sobel, Crane never said any of this. So, yeah, way to go Life & Style. I knew you were a bag of suck to begin with, but completely making it up out of thin air? Nice.

SECOND UPDATE: Busbee is confirming that Crane didn't really say this. Consider this post striked.

If there is one thing everyone on the PGA Tour should know, it is not to piss off Tiger Woods. Basically, Woods has so much control over the tour at this point I'm fairly certain Tim Finchem would break shins of other players to keep the man happy.

This knowledge didn't stop Ben Crane from being one of the first non-nanny associates to call out Tiger for his poon-crazed lifestyle. Crane spoke to Life & Style Magazine (Ed Note: Nice choice of magazine, fruity) about Woods, basically calling him names and pointing fingers.

Crane, a PGA player, has even harsher words. "This is no surprise to anyone who knows Tiger," Crane tells Life & Style. "He's a phony and a fake and he can't retain that squeaky-clean endorsement deal any longer."

Crane also believes Elin may have known about Tiger's other women. "She's no fool," Crane says, adding that perhaps Elin "turned a blind eye because of the money and the kids and the lifestyle he provides."

Listen, I'm not one to call out PGA Tour guys, but Crane, for all we know, seems to be a word I try not to use in this blog. He has won twice on the PGA Tour, which is impressive, but is one of the slowest, most aggravating players on tour, once forcing Rory Sabbatini to play out of turn because the guy was taking so long. Also, Crane was quoted as saying once, when asked why he doesn't like to know who he is playing with, "I looked up to a lot of these guys who I'm now playing with. So, I didn't want to have to go to sleep thinking about it."

Also, the most frustrating part of all this? Crane is a devout Christian, so how does he know of what Tiger does in his off-time? It isn't like Crane is out popping bottles with Tiger when he's sneaking out the back of clubs to bed these ladies.

I understand people are frustrated with Tiger, but this is a guy that is one of the most universally liked guys on tour. Calling him a phony and a fake seems like the kind of things a person that doesn't know him at all would spew. It would be like me bitching to my friends about how hard it is to be a 7-footer.

h/t Sir Busbee

The Best Tiger Woods Reaction of Them All

My buddy Derek sent this incredible video clip over from a town not too far from where I grew up, Shreveport, Louisiana, home of David Toms and Hal Sutton.

KSLA in Shreveport interviewed, for some reason, a lady that owns some diner in the town. She gives her two cents. They're worth a million.

Listen ...

First, whatever Bible verse she is quoting must be from one of the forgotten New Testament books. Second, is this really a professional news organization, because I did better interviews when I was in high school at the Maverick News Network (MNN!).

Jaimee Grubbs Apologized to Elin Woods for Sleeping With Tiger Woods

Finding information in this world is hard, especially if someone is a celebrity. Of course, that sentence I just wrote is completely and utterly false. Everyone knows everything about everyone. Just Google the stuff and it comes up. It isn't complicated.

This is what makes the recent apology from Jaimee Grubbs all the more interesting. Grubbs, who supposedly slept with Tiger Woods 20+ times, told Extra that she was sorry to Elin for, well, sleeping with Elin's husband.

Here is the apology.

"I couldn't describe how remorseful that I am to have hurt her family and her emotionally," Grubbs -- who got intimate with the golfer 20 times over about three years -- tells "Extra."

But, Grubbs, 24, admits, "If it wasn't me, it was going to be other girls. I did care about him -- I didn't do it for superficial reasons. I didn't do it to purposely hurt her."

Okay ... so ...

A.) Don't apology to the wife of the husband you slept with when you already knew he was married. You're just as much at fault. Yeah, he's the one with the ring on his finger, but you're the one asking him to take it off while he mounts you from behind. You're a skeez. Don't play nice now.

B.) One night is one thing, 20 times is completely different. You aren't remorseful when you sleep with a married man 20 times. You know what you're doing.

C.) Are you seriously going to hide behind the "If it wasn't me, it was going to be other girls," card? "Well officer, if I hadn't stole this Snickers from the 7-Eleven, someone would have! It was right there in front of me! I'm hungry!!!" Bullshit. What a weak attempt at not taking fault for your actions. You're a whore. Just admit it and move on. It isn't that complicated. We all live under our umbrellas. Yours just happens to be covered with shots of tequila and used condoms.

Okay, enough ranting. Back to your regular scheduled whateverthegoflworldhasbecome.

Jack Nicklaus Speaks on Tiger Woods, Says Nothing At All

According to the ASSOCIATED PRESS (I like to caps them like I'm screaming it out to a group of savages), Jack Nicklaus spoke about Tiger Woods on Thursday, saying only it is, "none of my business."

This comes a couple of days after Steve Williams, Tiger's caddie and longtime buddy, said he knew nothing of what went on behind the ropes.

Which leaves us asking this question -- why in the hell would either of these guys actually say something? As a buddy to men in different walks of life, I know one thing ... if someone is screwing around, nine times out of ten you know about it. This is because you are buddies with the guy that is going out and doing these things, and because men are, for the most part, extremely clumsy about stuff and keep stuff secret as well as 4-year-olds. Now, there is that 10 percent of dudes that are sneaky enough to keep it from everyone, but those guys usually work for the CIA, not the PGA Tour.

With that said, if you were Steve Williams, would you say anything other than "I had no knowledge"? You want to keep your job. You want to continue to be the richest person in New Zealand. You actually enjoy being able to tug a bag for 20 tournaments a year and then race your cars and make millions and take your aggression out on cameras.

And with Jack, why would he have anything to say at all? He isn't from this generation. He doesn't chill with Tiger on a daily basis. He is a guy that used to rock the golf world and is now watching a guy do the same, a generation later. I'm pretty sure "none of my business" is exactly what you'd expect from the Golden Bear.

If I've learned one thing in this business, it is most smart people don't say things they shouldn't say. Yes, you get the random admission from Ron Artest that he used to drink during halftimes at games, but you expect that type of crazy from Artest. Williams isn't dumb. Nicklaus sure isn't dumb.

This isn't their battle. I guarantee if it was me, I'd be tossing around the "no comment" card quicker than The Golf Girl gets a thousand page views.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Your Wednesday Tiger Woods Roundup

Did you know, on Wednesdays at Subway, the turkey sub is the Sub of the Day? It is basically the best thing about Wednesdays. People get really excited about Hump Day because it is the middle of the week, but I find the day rather boring. See how I transitioned from a Subway sandwich to the word "hump" so smoothly in just two sentences?

Now, hump to Tiger Woods. It's a Tiger humping roundup!

-- From WWTDD, comes some story from some gossip website about some letter that was posted in 2005, or something. I don't really know. This seems as legit as if I penciled "Rocker" with a Sharpie on my arm and then kept trying to convince people of how bad my new tattoo hurt. (That being said, WWTDD is still my favorite website in the history of the world and I'd hug Brendan and give him gifts of frankincense and myrrh if I ever meet him.)

-- Some porn star made a video in May claiming she did Tiger. Listening to this lady talk is basically the equivalent of someone trying to gangbang me in the ear. Just take your shirt off and shut up. /Rechecks the video. Oh, well, she got 50 percent right.

-- People are all really excited that the sponsors have pulled the ads of Tiger, which should surprise about .00032 percent of people. This is what companies do. They yank ads when people screw up. Example? You ain't playing at Enron Field when you go to Houston anymore, are ya? Yep, because that's the same.

-- Charles Barkley rants about the Tiger situation, calling people idiots, which is fine by me because it falls under AP Style Rule #593 that reads, "Anything Charles Barkley says is fine because he's Charles Barkley." I love that rule.

As you can probably tell by the lack of content today, I'm Tiger'd out. I didn't think I'd get to this point, but what else are we going to learn? He probably banged more and more girls, but the problem is, it will be damn near impossible to differentiate between girls that are telling the truth and the ones that are lying (This just in! Girls lie too!!!).

This is America. In six months, nobody will care about this. He will most likely win our heart again just like Kobe did. Just like Ray Lewis did. Just like anyone that has ever done anything wrong has done. It is a recurring cycle. I thought at first that this might not be the case, but why kid ourselves? He's Tiger and he's awesome and when he starts winning tournaments, wife or no wife, people will have made up their minds. Either he's a cheating dog that should be dropped like a pile of garbage or he's a man that has flaws and problems just like the rest of us. There's the fence. You pick your side. I'm going to have some pizza and hopefully ... HOPEFULLY ... not be asked about Tiger Woods for six seconds of my day.

Also, a picture of a puppy giving you the "I'm sorry" face!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

David Feherty Is Mad At You (And Me!)

I think it's time we establish something about the Tiger Woods mess, and it's a feeling we've all had at some point over the last two weeks. While it does suck that this is a real person's life, and these are serious issues he and his wife are dealing with, the level of celebrity that Tiger has reached makes this news. Bottom line.

I'm not happy that it happened, mostly because I've been a Tiger Woods fan for a long time and always thought he hung the moon when it came to sports (and life), and since all this shit has hit the fan all those feelings are gone. It is almost like he cheated on you and me, because the dirty feeling that has come with it makes everyone feel a little gross. Like we were duped by someone we thought we knew.

Here is what I don't get ... some people are fuming because this stuff is being reported. I'm not one to sling mud at people, and if Chris DiMarco cheated on his wife I'm sure it would be a story (or not) but it would pass over after a day or so. DiMarco isn't news. Tiger is. That's the burden you carry when you convince everyone of the person you are and then completely flip the switch like you're having a sex change or something.

David Feherty, who we all can agree is as good as it gets when it comes to golf broadcasting, is one of those in an uproar about all the coverage. He said the following when asked about the Tiger situation.

"I'm sick of it, all the coverage," Feherty fumed. "Lord knows, my private life is ghastly, so when I see someone's private business talked about night and day, over and over, it bothers me. It's a bad state of affairs [in the media]. You're talking about other people's misery, and this has been all over the tabloid shows," even Nancy Grace, the HLN program that sometimes covers missing-person cases. "I wouldn't mind a show on how she disappears. Everyone is so nosy. I can see it now. This is gonna be a movie. There will be books. You know, people have a right to work through problems on their own, without all the attention. Tiger plays golf, but he's a very private figure. The way the tabloids feast on private misery makes me sick and angry."

Okay, it is a fair point to say you are sick of it, but it is rather short-sighted to think that this is a problem with the media. Basically, blogs/websites/television shows and everything else has just become a way to broadcast what everyone is already talking about around the water cooler. It gives people a chance to discuss things that we couldn't discuss back when technology was minimal, and if you read over this particular blog, you'd see a golf fan disappointing in his superstar and that's about it.

Yes, there are jokes. Yes, the situation has become so bizarre that it feels anything could happen at this point and we wouldn't be surprised. That still doesn't make it wrong for us to write about someone like Tiger and his personal life.

Our media has done it forever, and it will continue like this for as long as there is a computer and a keyboard. At least we aren't joking about killing Tiger for his problems. Now that would be bad.

You Like Apples? Well, John Daly Wants Matt Damon to Play Him in a Movie ... How Do You Like Those Apples?

I believe John Daly when he says he has changed. He sure seems a bit more together these days and, well, after all the Tiger Woods news Daly could wreck his RV into a military hospital while drinking Jack Daniels and still wouldn't have as tarnished an image.

With that said, I'd like to personally congratulate Daly on making me spit out my coffee this morning while reading about his ideas for a movie about himself. Read that again. John Daly wants someone to produce a movie about him! Cue the steel guitar!

"I just saw Matt Damon, how he swung a golf club, and I thought if I ever made a movie, I want him to be me," Daly said. "The tough part is who would play me at 290 pounds. Now Kevin James, he's my bud, but he'd be good."

When asked what the main storyline might be, he said: "It would just be the life, it would be the whole thing. The guts of it all."

"The problem is who is going to play all the ex-wives?" added Daly, who has four ex-wives, to laughter.

So, basically this would be Bagger Vance meets Happy Gilmore, only with more trashed hotel rooms and songs about Rolexes.

The good news is, even if Damon decided to take this role, which would be very, very unlikely, it still wouldn't trump that decision he made to be a part of "Stuck on You," the movie equivalent of banging a porn star when you're married.

The only downside to this decision is that Daly wants to include Kevin James, who makes me laugh as much as tsunamis. If that happens I will not be paying any amount of dinero to go see this. PAUL BLART MALL COP I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON YOUR WHISTLE!