Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Your Wednesday Tiger Woods Roundup


Did you know, on Wednesdays at Subway, the turkey sub is the Sub of the Day? It is basically the best thing about Wednesdays. People get really excited about Hump Day because it is the middle of the week, but I find the day rather boring. See how I transitioned from a Subway sandwich to the word "hump" so smoothly in just two sentences?

Now, hump to Tiger Woods. It's a Tiger humping roundup!

-- From WWTDD, comes some story from some gossip website about some letter that was posted in 2005, or something. I don't really know. This seems as legit as if I penciled "Rocker" with a Sharpie on my arm and then kept trying to convince people of how bad my new tattoo hurt. (That being said, WWTDD is still my favorite website in the history of the world and I'd hug Brendan and give him gifts of frankincense and myrrh if I ever meet him.)

-- Some porn star made a video in May claiming she did Tiger. Listening to this lady talk is basically the equivalent of someone trying to gangbang me in the ear. Just take your shirt off and shut up. /Rechecks the video. Oh, well, she got 50 percent right.

-- People are all really excited that the sponsors have pulled the ads of Tiger, which should surprise about .00032 percent of people. This is what companies do. They yank ads when people screw up. Example? You ain't playing at Enron Field when you go to Houston anymore, are ya? Yep, because that's the same.

-- Charles Barkley rants about the Tiger situation, calling people idiots, which is fine by me because it falls under AP Style Rule #593 that reads, "Anything Charles Barkley says is fine because he's Charles Barkley." I love that rule.

As you can probably tell by the lack of content today, I'm Tiger'd out. I didn't think I'd get to this point, but what else are we going to learn? He probably banged more and more girls, but the problem is, it will be damn near impossible to differentiate between girls that are telling the truth and the ones that are lying (This just in! Girls lie too!!!).

This is America. In six months, nobody will care about this. He will most likely win our heart again just like Kobe did. Just like Ray Lewis did. Just like anyone that has ever done anything wrong has done. It is a recurring cycle. I thought at first that this might not be the case, but why kid ourselves? He's Tiger and he's awesome and when he starts winning tournaments, wife or no wife, people will have made up their minds. Either he's a cheating dog that should be dropped like a pile of garbage or he's a man that has flaws and problems just like the rest of us. There's the fence. You pick your side. I'm going to have some pizza and hopefully ... HOPEFULLY ... not be asked about Tiger Woods for six seconds of my day.

Also, a picture of a puppy giving you the "I'm sorry" face!

4 comments:

Matt said...

The funny thing about the sponsors pulling their ads is that they're spinning stories about how it has nothing to do with recent events. Who the hell are trying to fool? We know why they pulled the ads. They know we know. Why do they insist on pretending otherwise?

Maegan M said...

AMEN!!

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