Sunday, February 28, 2010

Gatorade Backwashes Tiger Woods

Just like Gator Gum (Ed Note: I loved that stuff), Gatorade Tiger will never been seen again, as Gatorade has decided to drop Tiger Woods as a pitchman.

"We no longer see a role for Tiger in our marketing efforts and have ended our relationship," a Gatorade spokeswoman said. "We wish him all the best."

So, here is the current list of sponsors that have dropped Tiger:


Here is what Tiger has left:

--Nike Golf
--Gillette (but not for long)
--Golf Digest
--TAG Heuer
--EA Sports
--TLC Laser Centers
--Upper Deck

That list sure was a lot sexier back when Tiger Woods wasn't doing all the sexing. May this be a lesson to all -- when you're making $100 million a year in sponsors, make sure you don't get caught banging a school bus of randoms.

Friday, February 26, 2010

The Waste Management is Really Hitting Stride

Currently, at the Waste Management Open, Pat Perez is pulling away from the pack and he's got a nice dress on that is, umm, hold on, where was I.

Oh, Perez is on fire this Friday, making four birdies and hiking his skirt up just a hair past appropriate.

Ahh, screw it. It's Waste Management Friday. The only sport people care about at now at TPC Scottsdale is if the Thunderbirds will allow a beer pong tournament in the Greenskeeper tent.

Photo courtesy of the great Allan Henry, US Presswire

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Wait, What?

Just in case your Thursday wasn't weird enough, I'll leave you with this gem. It comes from Odd-Bjoern Hjelmeset, a silver medal-winning skier from Norway. He was asked about something that had to do with something skiing, and well, yeah, read his quote.

"My name is Odd-Bjoern Hjelmeset. I skied the second lap and I fucked up today. I think I have seen too much porn in the last 14 days. I have the room next to Petter Northhug and every day there is noise in there. So I think that is the reason I fucked up. By the way, Tiger Woods is a really good man."

I think there is really only one thing you can say, and one thing only -- drugs must be as good as they say up in Vancouver.

Ludacris is Funny

Don't expect rapper Ludacris to be invited to the Tiger Woods Jam anytime soon. In one of his new "hits," Luda (♫in the Cutt Supreme♫) makes fun of Tiger Woods basically throughout the song.

Here, watch for yourself ...

If you can't watch it, he basically does the Tiger voicemail reenactment, saying, "Hey, this is Luda, OK? I need you to do me a huge favor. Um, can you please take your name off your phone, um, my girl went through my cell phone and she may be calling you, so if you can please take your name off that and just have it as a number on the voice mail, OK? You've gotta do this for me. Huge. Quickly."

Hell, the song is called "Sexting" and I think he wrote it hoping that he'd get downloads similar to how we hope Tiger gets us pageviews. Since rappers will forever use this as a joke about getting caught cheating, the only good thing for Tiger is neither of his names really rhyme, unless you are a wordsmith like myself and toss around lyrics like, "Hanging out, relaxing like Tiger Woods, bringing girls over like they're bears from the woods." No, wait, that doesn't work. Shit. *crosses off "rapping" from possible talents*

h/t Sporting Blog

Tiger Woods Gets the Best Endorsement of All: Chris Brown

You're the Tiger Woods PR team. You want some good love coming from people. Maybe Oprah could say something good about you. It wouldn't hurt if maybe Barack Obama commented that people can change. Oh, and that guy that beat up Rihanna? Yeah, you'd want him as well.

"My hat goes off to him," Chris says. "I support him. I hope he gets back on the field and does his thing because he is the best at it."

"I think people always deserve a second chance," he says. "I know my fans gave me a second chance and people gave me a second chance."
In Brown's mind, it's all about what you do in public, not behind closed doors.

"Whatever his personal life is--and I think this goes for me and him--his personal life is his personal life. Nobody has the right to place judgment or make any judgment on somebody else's personal life when they're not directly involved with them," he continues. "He plays golf. That's his sport, that's his hobby, that's his love, that's what people love him for. They don't love him for the other stuff that they talk about. Even with me, I do music, I sing songs, I'm an entertainer, I'm a performer. But people make mistakes."

Yep, people do make mistakes. Like, if a guy got married and cheated on his wife one night while on a business trip, that would be a mistake. It isn't right, but it is a mistake. Banging every female east of Pebble Beach, even in your family bed? Yeah, not really "making a mistake."

I would have loved to see the faces of Tiger's handlers when they saw this. I bet it was half "heads hits the desk" and half "is it too early to start spiking my coffee." Fun times for the Woods crew!

The Only Funny Thing PETA Has Ever Done

There is a difference between loving animals and being a member of PETA. They are the types that get mad at Britney Spears for using a snake as her prop, while everyone else is just mad that Britney is still alive. They won't watch "The Hangover" because it is cruel to leave a Tiger in the back of a Mercedes. They are the hall monitors of the world, only if those hall monitors occasionally post pictures of naked models without fur (your only other good addition to our world, PETA).

All that being said, they got it right with this Tiger Woods ad. It's funny, it is true and, hell, Bob Barker sure is proud of it.

Well done, PETA, and let me be the first to say, you probably don't get that a lot.

Now, go back to screaming at people for using Raid.

h/t The Great Busbee

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Look at the New and Improved 16th Hole

That is the newly added Waste Management logo to the ever-changing 16th hole at TPC Scottsdale, a cool little reminder to everyone that THIS IS NOT THE FBR OPEN!!

Aww, who am I kidding, I just called it the FBR Open twice on the Devil Ball Podcast. I'm an idiot, of course, so hopefully others are better than I.

More to come from Scottsdale as the tournament kicks off.

I Guess Ads With a Shirt-Less Tiger Eventually Had to Go

I don't shave my face a lot, mostly because I work from home and don't really like cutting hair off my face with four blades. What people do shave a lot? Women, so it was no surprise that Gillette is thinking about dropping Tiger Woods.

The CEO of the Procter & Gamble Co. says he doesn't know whether golfer Tiger Woods will ever appear in another Gillette commercial, and everyone else wonders when he'll next appear in a televised golf tournament.

Bob McDonald, who is also chairman of the Cincinnati-based consumer products company, says P&G wishes Woods the best on his efforts to work on family issues, after Woods' public apology for infidelity last Friday.

"He doesn't need to be distracted by us using his advertising, and we don't need the distraction of us using the advertising, either," McDonald told The Associated Press.

Okay, for the record, here are some of the ad ideas Gillette had with Tiger.

-- A video of Tiger hitting a golf ball through a window at a guy that is not using the most up-to-date razor by Gillette.
-- A video of Tiger spinning a mini-globe on his finger, flipping a golf club through the air with one hand, and then hitting the mini globe to Roger Federer, who inexplicably catches it with his tennis racket.
-- A video of Tiger, Derek Jeter and Roger Federer kinda dancing/walking through town to the tune of "Stayin' Alive," and then laughing at Federer or something. I'm not even really sure what this has to do with razors more than show us how dorky Tiger and the fellas really are.

I think it is safe to say that for all our sake, Tiger and Gillette splitting ways is a win-win.

Out at the Waste Management Open

As you may know (and trust me, I preface a lot of stories like this because I assume you, the reader, is so smart), the Waste Management Open has changed dates this year and will not be the same week as the Super Bowl. (I only bring this up because last night, a buddy and I were going to Taco Tuesdays at a place called Loco Patron in Old Town Scottsdale. The place is currently under remodeling, a move that, given the week, is one of the worst decisions I've seen in years.)

How will this affect 2010's WaMo? Well, attendance is going to set a record. In 2009, 14,325 people came out to TPC Scottsdale on Tuesday. This year there were 35,795 people. Last year, 164,455 people hit up the course on Saturday, but only 60,425 were out for Sunday's final round. That number will surely explode with no football to battle with.

I'll be out here all week, so if you're in the area and want to save me from the dungeon that is a PGA Tour media room, hit me up. Oh, and read my WaMo preview.

(Also, the lovely ladies above were nice enough to take a picture for me last year.)

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Tiger Woods Adds Another Apology

There was one time during the 13 1/2 minute speech Tiger Woods gave on Friday that seemed, well, un-robotic. That was when Tiger flipped out at the media and paparazzi (Ed Note: Lady Gaga does not approve.) for their continued patrolling of his kids. It was a fine thing to say, but just seemed like the only time Tiger was genuine the entire time he spoke.

Well, Tiger apologized again, this time in a letter to the parents of anyone attending the Premier Academy in Florida with his daughter, again blaming the media for their badgering of his kids.

"We hope that the paparazzi will find something better to do with their time in the near future," the letter said.

"In the meantime, it is our goal to keep life as normal as possible for our children," the letter said. "We are sure that as parents you can appreciate that. For Sam, that normalcy means attending the school that she enjoys so much."

Listen, I am all for protecting Tiger's kids and such, but I really wish he wouldn't get so heated about it. He is supposed to be on the defense right now, and continuing to send messages to a group of people that clearly won't listen seems like a waste of time. I wish the cameramen would leave and let the kids be, but it isn't going to happen. If Tiger had any grasp of reality he'd understand this. The first photographer that lands a picture of Elin and Tiger, together, picking up the kids is probably looking at five figures, and that is the person's job, as sleazy as it is.

Unless laws change in this country, this will continue to go on. I think the letter was appropriate, but this stuff isn't changing. Something else I wish wasn't around? People shooting other people with guns.

It Appears Gatorade Knew Tiger Better Than We Did

There was nothing more fun to joke around about when the Tiger Woods infidelity news hit than the Accenture ads -- "Go on, be a Tiger" could have been taken in so many ways, and we all enjoyed a couple of chuckles about it.

That was, until these ads were dug up by a reader over at Deadspin. Gatorade apparently knows Tiger better than we thought!

The reader said it was an ad up in a bathroom in Hawaii, which has enough underlying messages in and of itself. Tiger prows the island ... bathrooms!

A Tradition Unlike Any Other (Snowstorm)

There are some things Augusta National does to make sure the golf tournament is absolutely bursting during Masters week. One thing is to ice the roots of all their azaleas if the weather would cause them to bloom to quick. Another is to color the water. A third? Make sure there isn't snow on the ground.

We are less than two months away from the best week of the year (Ed. Note: Hell yes!) and the best golf course in the world is blanketed in snowy goodness. Seriously, look at that place. It is a winter wonderland of golfer's dreams, or something equally as cheesy.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Lindsey Vonn Jokes About Tiger's Sex Addiction, Possibly Arouses Blogger

Lindsey Vonn is hot. No, not athlete hot, just plain hot. If you don't believe me, just understand this ... for her Sports Illustrated cover, she posed like that, with her ass in the air.

And, speaking of ass, she talked about Tiger Woods and his addiction to the art of sexing.

"They're like, 'Yeah, you're awesome, you go have that sex.' " The room breaks into a laugh. Then she describes a skit she would want to perform if asked to host Saturday Night Live: picture Vonn at Woods' podium, blue backdrop and all. "There's something you don't know about me," Vonn says in a faux solemn, apologetic voice. "Tiger, you're like my idol, and I too have a sex problem." More laughter. "That would be freaking funny."

Okay, so she isn't some comedy genius, but that is still interesting.

Oh, and Lindsey, if you ever need someone to help with your skit, say a 6-foot white guy that snores a little too loud and rarely cuts his toenails, might I suggest that handsome fellow to the right of this post? I can cook if by cook you mean put peanut butter on triscuits!

Hey Lama, How About Something For The (Sex) Effort?

It's almost as if Bill Murray himself wrote the headline for the latest golf story I read. Scrolling through the 'ol Google Reader, I happened upon this -- "Dalai Lama says faith can bring Woods discipline."

Ahh, golf and the Dalai Lama. We all know the famous quote from Caddyshack, when Carl Spackler delivers a random and brilliant soliloquy about his experience with, a person he likes to call, "the Lama."

Well Dalai recently was asked about Tiger Woods, and offered up his own advice.

Tibet's exiled spiritual leader told The Associated Press during a brief interview in his hotel suite in Beverly Hills that he had not heard of Woods, but when the circumstances were explained to him he said that when it comes to adultery, "all religions have the same idea."

"Whether you call it Buddhism or another religion, self-discipline, that's important," he said. "Self-discipline with awareness of consequences."

I have absolutely no idea what any of that means, but I do appreciate any opportunity to talk about the Lama and golf. Gunga. Galunga.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Oh my God, What Did Sammy Sosa do to Tiger Woods?!?

Noooooooooooo!!! This can't be happening?!?!!

Tiger Woods Spoke.

Similar to the parting of the red seas, Tiger Woods took a simple, unimpressive podium today with a bleak purple shirt and boring black blazer and spit out his first vocal words since "Hey, it's Tiger."

The difference in the red seas and this, however, was unless you worked for ESPN or The Golf Channel (so far, two on air personalities have cried), it was as standard as a stock wedge from 135. Tiger said he was sorry. He said he felt terrible for what he did. He apologized to the world and to his wife and to his friends. He hugged his mom after the speech concluded. He even touched on the rumors that he did performance enhancing drugs.

What he didn't do for me was change my mind about him. I like Tiger the golfer, but know nothing of Tiger the person. The speech was robotic and planned and, well, standard. If you and I were to sit in a room and plan out what someone like Tiger should say to the world, this would have been it.

A bunch of "I'm sorrys," a few "I feel terribles," and make sure those eyes stay moist.

What we have learned from this speech, and what we mostly knew before, is Tiger is the master at wearing coats. He can put the dominate golfer coat on, the best buddy coat and the public addressing coat. When he needs to be someone, he can be that person, the same way a chameleon changes colors.

Nobody, not even Elin, will know if Tiger has changed. Woods pointed out in his speech that Elin said the truth won't come out until his actions change, and I think that is very true.

What I don't think should happen? I don't think Steve Williams should be fired, as Rick Reilly idiotically proclaimed before the speech (what, this guy is going to rat out Tiger? That would be like me blowing up an ATM that mistakenly gives me $100 bills every time I ask for a $20 and doesn't charge me for it. I'm going back to that ATM no matter the neighborhood.) I don't think Tiger should take too long off of golf. I also don't think he should make much of an appearance again until he's ready to tee it up.

He gave us 13 minutes of his time. That was enough for us to realize that Tiger is still Tiger, we just hope less frisky. Now get back to the driving range, and we can all move on from this mess.

It Appears Someone Finally Awoke the Hibernating Tiger Woods' PR Team

This pisses me off. It really, honestly pisses me off. I don't really care what Tiger Woods does with his life or his dingy or his boat or his money, but don't jerk my chain. Don't send out a crop of Getty Images photographers to see you smiling while hitting balls and dressing in your best color. Just don't. These photos are of Tiger practicing near his home, and it is ridiculous beyond belief.

Never in the history of sport has someone taken photos meant for positive public image more than these. Honestly, even Paris Hilton getting a staged cat out of a tree are more believable than these.

If there is one thing we've realized ... and this is coming before we see all the fake tears that Tiger will surely bring on Friday ... it is this -- Tiger Woods still doesn't get it. And that my friends, is more sad than what he was feeding us all these years before.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Tiger Woods Live Chat!

Okay, so, we need to talk about something. Tiger Woods is having a press conference on Friday. People are excited about it. It should be a bunch of, well, written statements, and honestly, who doesn't love written statements?

Join me tomorrow RIGHT HERE (The link, not the site) for the Devil Ball Golf live chat. I'll be running that bad boy. Oh, and I'm bringing crumpets! G'day!

Tiger Woods Featured as a Mardi Gras Float

Since TigerBangsAnythingThatWalks-Gate hit our world, just about everyone with a camera and an old Nike polo (and a black friend) has done a spoof or a joke at Tiger Woods' expense.

Most, if not all, have sucked. That stopped in New Orleans, when one of the floats featured Tiger Woods, and was absolutely incredible.

Highlights of the float ...

-- A "He Skanked It" banner at the top of the float.
-- A scorecard with mistresses instead of holes or scores.
-- A cell phone that reads, "Baby, I need a favor."

Honestly, well done New Orleans. First the Super Bowl and now the Tiger float? You are having a fantastic month.

h/t The Angry T via Out of Bounds

Alex Miceli Rips Tiger Woods' for Accenture Announcement

Alex Miceli is a smart dude. He has a law degree from the University of Baltimore. He's worked for the Federal Government and Reuters. Oh, and he was smart enough to realize the Internet's potential, and started in 1993, the first ever website dedicated to golf coverage. I'm sure when Miceli drew that up in his brain more than a decade ago, his reaction on Wednesday was something he'd hope would get picked up.

Miceli was asked on "Golf Central" what he thought of Tiger Woods' announcement that he'd be holding his first press conference on Friday at 11 AM ET, during the Accenture Match Play. His reaction was, in lesser terms, guns a-blazin'.

Via Wei Under Par ...

Alex Miceli Calls Tiger Gutless from Stephanie Wei on Vimeo.

A part of this is true. Tiger has a history of stealing spotlights, and like Jason Sobel reported from Marana, when the Tiger news hit, the Accenture took a backseat, and even the players out on the course playing were being briefed on the situation. I think it's good to see people like Miceli speak up on this. Tiger has too many fans in the media (raises hand, blushes) that see him for what is good in the world, and not when he's being selfish. This is one of of those times.

Well done, Alex. That said, I hope you still have a job come this afternoon.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


I really think this might be the first time photos of a famous person were this widely released that didn't involve someone being naked.

Tiger Woods, seen here jogging outside his home on Wednesday, doesn't look banged up at all. It also allows us the opportunity to make sure he is, in fact, alive.

So, there you have it. Just a little after finding out he will be speaking on Friday, pictures by Sam Greenwood of Getty Images are out of Tiger Woods, 2010. Let the speculation begin.

Tiger Woods to Speak on Friday

Well, as always, chalk this one under the category of "pro golfer that read Dogs That Chase Cars," because a few hours after I posted this plea to Tiger Woods to come back, he announced that he will be appearing for the first time since the Thanksgiving night travails.

His press conference will be at 11 AM Eastern, shown live by "The Golf Channel" but will not include a Q&A with the press, only a statement, which I'm sure will be super exciting.

All of this does raise a few questions, however.

First, it sure is interesting that Tiger would pick the week of the Accenture Match Play, an event hosted by a company that dropped him after all the shit hit the fan, to come out of hiding. Tiger has a history of giving people the very quiet F-Yous, and this looks to be another one of those to Accenture.

Second, people will be speculating from here until 11 AM on Friday, but if you don't think he is returning to golf, like Frank Nobilo guessed, you're ridiculous. If the guy was done for the year, I'm sure he'd let us know that on his website.

Third, and maybe the most interesting ... get ready for an emotional side of Tiger we haven't ever seen. Woods broke down after the Hoylake British Open because of his father, but those weren't these types of tears. I expect some emotions, I expect to see him break down and I expect we are about to experience something we aren't ready for.

Oh, and fourth ... "The Golf Channel" is about to have the biggest ratings in the history of the network.

I'm going to be live-blogging the entire thing over at Devil Ball Golf, so don't forget to swing by if you're stuck at work.

For the Love of Golf, Tiger, Please Come Back

It happens a couple of times a day. Not because I'm anyone that is worthy of talking about golf, or knowledge of the shushed, or because people know this is what I do for work. No, it is because people of all walks are interested in the question that is making "Will Favre finally retire" look petty. "When will Tiger Woods come back?"

Tiger, listen ... your dirty laundry has been flying high for months. We've seen it, we've experienced it, and we even have ridiculous stories that are most likely untrue to go along with it. We know that it has sucked the last three months for yourself, your wife and your team. I'm glad you took some time away to manage what was manageable, even if it was entirely a PR ploy to get people back on your side.

Now, this needs to stop. Wednesday is the first day of the only important match play even of the year, a format you dominate more than any others, and you aren't there. And you should be. Why? Because all this shit is bigger than one person. What you've done to the sport is bigger than you, me or anyone else involved. You are the face of golf unlike anyone has ever been the face of any sport ever. I know things have hit you personally, but it is time to come back to what you do. For us, for kids, for smiles and for the game.

I hope you return soon enough. I think we all hope you return. I was chatting with my dad the other day on the phone, and he admitted something that I could almost agree with -- "it is getting harder and harder to watch these regular PGA Tour events." Not because it isn't fun to see guys like Dustin Johnson come into their own, or a Bill Haas victory in Palm Springs. It is harder because we know what the capability is on the bench. A good comparison is being a Lakers fan the last week or so. The team went 3-0 in that stretch, and that is exciting for Los Angeles fans, but it isn't the same feeling without Kobe Bryant in the game. Something is missing, even in good times.

The golf world is missing someone. The reactions will be mixed, but at the end of the day, it will still be the best player in the world playing the best sport in the world during the best time in the sport's existence. We might be disappointed in what Tiger has done, but we will never be disappointed in his golf game.

Come back, Tiger. We're all on the edge of our seats.

Donald Miralle, Getty Images

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Chris Berman Likes to Change Up His Golf Outfits

If you looked at reasons why people dislike ESPN, most would start with Chris Berman and Stuart Scott. The schtick is more tired than a Sunday night, yet the gas pedal continues to be pressed. Berman, who plays golf (which is using the word "plays" very lightly here), was at the Pebble Beach Pro-Am this year, and his outfit on Friday was rather interesting. Well, interesting in the "holy hell does this guy only own one golf shirt" sorta way. The above photo is him in 2010.

Here he is at the Travelers Championship in 2009.

Here he is at the Travelers in 2008.

Oh, and for kicks, here he is at Pebble in 2005.

The top three are absolutely the same shirt. Maybe it's a tribute to someone or something. I have no idea, but maybe someone should send our boy a new polo.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Pebble Beach is Ugly

This photo is of Padraig Harrington, on the 7th hole of Pebble Beach on Sunday. Honestly, I don't get the big deal of this golf course? It isn't like it's pretty, or has cool shit like waves hitting walls. Seriously, I'd rather just play the local muni here in Phoenix.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Now He's Just Screwing With Us

Puma golf dropped Geoff Ogilvy earlier this year in lieu of Rickie Fowler, because he is younger and edgier and, well, I guess Ogilvy was against wearing outfits that looked like he was an extra in the fight scene of "Braveheart."

Whatever. I like Fowler, this is just super strange. "You know, the shirt looks fine, and I love the pants, but can't we do something about the shoes? I'd just love them to be more, what's the word, blue."

I have a feeling in 10 years, Fowler will look back on this and think, "Dude, what the hell," as he pets his Thailand Ridgeback and swims in his pool of golden coins.

The Appeal of Kenny G

I know it seems like I'm beating a dead horse. I know I probably shouldn't sit here ranting about The Golf Channel once more, but I have a serious issue. Do you remember when John Stewart went on "Crossfire" and ripped them a new one, but did it under the guise that he thought the show had a ton of potential and they just weren't embracing it? That's me with The Golf Channel. It has such an opportunity. Unlike any other sports network, The Golf Channel is the only one able to air live golf in the early rounds. The only one!

On Thursday at Pebble Beach, I saw more Kenny G in one day than his wife has probably seen in years. Kenny G! He isn't a professional golfer, he isn't that much of a singer musician anymore, and he sure as hell isn't much a crowd pleaser. I'm assuming the producer for the telecast is 50 or so, and loves Kenny G and might think that people around the world care how good his game is. We don't. I promise you. We really, really don't. If I didn't write golf for a living I would have turned the golf off, and I like watching golf.

See, golf fans tune in to see Phil Mickelson, John Daly, Anthony Kim, Sergio Garcia or basically anyone with a name we recognize. That doesn't translate past golf. The Golf Channel decided they would only have cameras on the Pebble Beach course, forcing us to watch whoever was playing there on Thursday, even though David Duval was putting together a late afternoon 67 on Spyglass Hill, yet we didn't see a shot.

I know it probably costs a lot to add cameras over there, but who cares. This is what you are trying to do. You want to be a respectable sports station, put a camera somewhere else so the entire Thursday isn't lost.

The Golf Channel could be so good. It really, really could. It is just disappointing that we are forced to watch this network, with no other alternative, and see them fail week in and week out. It is getting to the point that I might start writing something weekly, in hopes of getting a response from them. I'm not one of those people that think I can make things better, but with The Golf Channel, I really think they could toss together a few golf bloggers in a room and really facelift it for the better (we could call it the anti-Montag effect).

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Pebble Beach Live Chat!

Hey. I'm bored, golf is on, and I wanted to live chat. Anytime I can make fun of celebrities, I'm in.

Send to your friends. Get it going.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Daniel Tosh Shows Off His Golf Swing ... on an Ipad

I must admit, half of the reason I posted this was to be able to tell my grandkids that, yes, I in fact did write something about Daniel Tosh over my years as a blogger. He is one of my favorite new comedians and Tosh.0 is a must watch.

Tosh gets a new Apple iPad, every tech nerd's "getting laid" of 2010, and instead of playing with it, he plays through it. Enjoy.

Tosh Destroys an iPad
Web Redemption2 Girls, 1 Cup ReactionDemi Moore Picture

h/t Gawker TV

I Guess This Will Give You a Sore Back

Ever watch those guys on the range that just hold nothing back? You sit there thinking to yourself, "Man, that has gotta hurt!" Welcome to Rory McIlroy's world.

The world number seven (Ed. Note: He's already number seven?!? Wowzers.) is complaining of back problems, at the ripe age of 20, but says it shouldn't hold him back from playing in the Accenture Match Play this month.

Two things I learned while reading about McIlroy's back issues. First, he's 20, but has a yearly back scan to make sure there are no problems. Second, his agent's first name is Chubby. The only thing that would make that info better is if I found out in the next month that his agent had once had his hand bitten off by an alligator, but retaliated by removing the bastard's eyeball and carries it around with him. Yep, that would be awesome news.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Shut Up David Feherty

A couple of days again, David Feherty published his monthly column on, a thing that I have never got into because it reads too much like Rick Reilly. (Example? "That being said, I've been trying to think of an equivalent example of the grim, ghastly, gleeful, and positively gloat-ridden coverage of a prominent public figure's fall from grace." Hey look everyone, I know what alliteration is!!)

Feherty's story was about Tiger and the media, and how, I'm sure this will surprise you, the bloggers and media hounds are jerks and have nothing better to do and sit in basements and eat meatloat their mothers make them! How could we ever report on such a story as Tiger, the most popular athlete in the world, cheating on his wife and completely changing the public perception of him 180 degrees?! We are such dogs.

Here, let us dive in.

By comparison, Bill Clinton got off with a slap on the trouser-trout, and he was in charge of the free world! I guarantee you, the only thing Tiger Woods is in charge of right now is a border collie named Taz.

This argument is dead because when the Clinton news hit, the Internet was still a baby. Blogs weren't mainstream, everyone didn't have a voice, and we all checked CNN and ESPN for our news. Broken argument -- let us continue ...

Now, I'm not a total nimrod, and I know there won't be many opportunities like this for these bottom-feeders to gorge themselves on, so I understand the initial frenzy, but come on, people, can we move on a little bit? Would it be this bad if they found out the Pope had been having his crosier cleaned by Barbara Walters? I think not.

First, well done with the "bottom-feeders" dig. Nothing like slandering people that get paid to report on athletes and what is going on, when the most popular athlete in the world does something completely against his personality (or so we thought).

Second, I have absolutely no idea why Feherty insisted on picking the Pope and Barbara Walters as his deviously sexual act, but I can tell you that I'm not hungry for lunch anymore. Thanks, bro.

Also, it is this point where Feherty goes on some rant about psychology, and Nietzsche and absolute right and wrongs. Honestly, it seemed more of an attempt at patting himself on the back for his extensive knowledge on the mind than any real revelation about Tiger or the media. Basically, Feherty is condemning people about the Tiger coverage and how we can't let anything go and how, who are we to say he isn't perfect when we too aren't perfect!

Feherty ends with this line.

But the point is, Zeus was the king. Flawed he may have been, but he came through unscathed. I hope our king does too, because there is nothing mythic about him. He too is flawed, but thankfully for golf, he is real.

This is the stuff that kills me about these "holier than thou" writers. They pick on blogs and publishers like myself for calling Tiger out for shit he shouldn't have done. Listen, obviously we were disappointed in Tiger, mainly because we all felt something a little closer with him, like he was some being greater than us, and in a way, he was. That doesn't change that fact that almost everyone is ready for him to return, and dominate, and remind us that no matter where he sticks his pecker, his golf game is that of legends.

Tiger fucked up. I agree on that, you agree on that and I'm sure Feherty, once he dismounts from the very high horse he is on, would agree on that. That isn't to say we as a media were wrong to report on it. We were doing our job, just like Feherty was doing his by not speaking on it. I'm not sitting here bashing David for avoiding the subject. I'm bashing him because, like a lot of old journalists too busy reading their newspapers and not busy enough scouring the Internet, he forgot that things change. This is our world, this is our medium and this is what happens.

If Feherty can't grasp that, then I guess he needs to spend more time hanging with Barbara and the Pope, and less time trying to join my world. It obviously scares him.

Jim Thorpe Was Told He Can't Golf With Technology

You ever been broken up with a text message? Told you just aren't her type through Skype? Had a girl bail through e-mail? Well, Jim Thrope feels your pain. Recently sentenced to a year in jail, Thorpe still thought he'd be able to golf, and was planning on it this week on the Champions Tour.

That was, until he checked his Blackberry.

Jim Thorpe, facing a year in prison on two counts of failure to pay taxes, has been suspended by the PGA Tour via an e-mail that he received Friday he told Golf Channel.

Even with a one-year jail term set to begin April 1, Thorpe was hoping to play in the Ace Group Classic in Naples this week but that now is not possible. The PGA Tour does not comment on issues related to player discipline.

This is rather depressing, but it sure beats the alternative. You could be me, who has never got an e-mail ever by the PGA Tour. Come on guys, send me one ... I want to play in an event soon!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Johnny Miller Speaks on Tiger Woods, Exactly What You'd Expect

You guys know Johnny Miller. Broadcaster. Guy that says a lot of shit you wish he wouldn't say, and you roll your eyes when he says it. Double chin. Used to wear pants that remind you of Aaron Baddeley.

Miller recently did the anti-CBS, and talked about Tiger Woods. His response not only included some poignantly placed words, but it has the word "hoe" in it. Seriously.

“His integrity’s been shattered,” Miller said. “More importantly, he’s injured his marriage and his family and it’s going to be tough for him. President Obama did say something. He said `I’m a strong believer that anybody can look within himself, find their flaws and fix them.’ I hope Tiger, I’m sure he’s heard that, knows he has a heck of a road to hoe to get that respect and integrity back and build the game back up again.”

Johnny Miller could come to my house with a staff bag presented with my name, 14 dozen Pro-V1's and a model girlfriend, and for some reason I'd be annoyed. I have no idea why I dislike him, but he's like "The Golf Channel." Golfy, but annoying.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Onion, you win again. [Phil Mickelson demands Scott McCarron Apologize to Pitching Wedge]

Frank Nobilo is Offensive and Not Funny

On Friday night, I got an e-mail from my (excellent) Yahoo! golf editor asking if I had heard what Frank Nobilo said that caused him to apologize. Because I have a strict "mute when watching "The Golf Channel" rule in my house," I admitted no and was forced to try and find exactly what he was talking about.

That was when myself and Ryan Ballengee of Waggle Room went on a hunt to find the moment. It came during a highlight of Steve Stricker, when Nobilo said, about a 230-yard distance Stricker had, that it was "Chinese dentist time." Nobilo quickly apologized for saying such an offensive thing. What was offensive about it? well, "230" is a reference to "tooth-hurty," some sort of racist joke at the expense of Chinese pronunciation. Oh, and it's ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous, to be exact.

Honestly, being racist or saying racist things makes you dumb as it is, but to say something that is racist and absolutely un-funny makes you come of as dumb and a jackass.

I really find it interesting how many times these reporters and newscasters slip up on the air. Either they have done it so long they forget that the cameras are rolling or they are that oblivious to what is going on in their world. A racist joke during a golf highlight? Sigh.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Corey Pavin Picks Four Assistants for Ryder Cup, One Being Rather Interesting

Corey Pavin has all the necessary accolades to be a Ryder Cup captain. Previous player, major championship winner, badass mustache. At the first of October, Pavin will lead the United States team against those scrappy Europeans, and announced on Wednesday who his assistants would be.

There are four. Here they are. Davis Love III (Great choice, played in a ton of these things, very solid core coach), Tom Lehman (Alright, another Ryder Cupper with a British Open crown, something helpful with the event behind held across the pond), Jeff Sluman and Paul Goydos (Whaaaaaaaaaaa?!).

Goydos is the real surprise, mainly because, as he said, "I have as much (experience in Ryder Cups) as Michael Jordan."

I do like the chemistry factor of having Goydos around. Surely he will loosen up the team, and here is to hoping nobody decides on the mock turtlenecks for our boy.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Anthony Kim on the Jay Leno Show

On Monday night, Anthony Kim was brought on "The Jay Leno Show" to teach Jessica Alba how to putt or something. I'll be honest, watching this four minutes of Jay Leno was enough for me, and it has nothing to do with the whole Conan thing. I've disliked Leno since I was a kid, thinking he was about as funny as someone stealing my Blackberry and over-drafting my bank account.

First, I love how Alba was surprised. "Oh my goodness who would have known he was going to be on the show?!?" Second, way to do your homework, Jay! His accomplishment you brought up was 11 birdies at the Masters, not winning or being on the Presidents Cup team or anything like that? Oh, and Mr. Plug himself called it the L.A. Open, not the Northern Trust Open.

Basically, Anthony showed Alba how to putt, even though she plays golf. It was all pretty strange, I'm not going to lie. This is why some people are celebrities and some are athletes, and only a few (what up Peyton Manning) can do both.

Maybe the funniest part of this entire thing was the person that followed Kim and Alba was an Olympic curler. Way to bring the hard-hitters, Jay! Seriously, it might be worth it to you to watch the curler on TV. If that guy didn't have some hot wings before the show, my name isn't Bacon.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Scott McCarron Continues to Scream Loudly!!!

Scott McCarron graduated from UCLA in 1988 with a history degree, and that sure will come in handy this week, because he is having a history of being a dick about this groove situation (heyyyy-o!).

McCarron, who called Phil Mickelson a cheater because Phil was, by all accounts, following the rules, isn't backing down from his stance against the Ping Eye 2 wedges and their attempt to overthrow our government and kill innocent people.

From the AP ...

Scott McCarron is not backing away from his opinion that Phil Mickelson or anyone else on the PGA Tour should not be using the Ping-Eye 2 wedges with square grooves.

McCarron says he will "not be silenced" as he works to get the grooves issues resolved.

Yep, sounds like a history buff to me. Who the hell says "I will not be silenced" besides someone auditioning for a Robin Hood musical or something? You will not be silenced? All you're doing is complaining about something that isn't even illegal, and tossing around hurtful names that might land your ass a lawsuit.

Maybe instead of spending your time complaining like a mad man, you could work on that golf game that has failed to make a cut this season.

Where Did All The Backbones Go?

You're standing in the middle of the fairway on a par-5, with enough club to get home in two. You need to make birdie. You have to make birdie. You have two choices. Pull out the big stick and go for the green or lay up to a comfortable yardage and hope you can wedge it close enough for the birdie.

Prior to 2010, it seemed most would go for it. The lay-up decision works every now and again, but what a lot of people forget is that it requires not only a good swing with you mid-iron, but also a great short iron shot followed up by a perfect putt.

This year, however, the "go for it" mentality seems to be happening as much on tour as a Tiger Woods sighting. Bubba Watson had a chance to go for a par-5 in two on Sunday at the Bob Hope. He did not, and settled for par. Tim Clark was in the fairway on the 18th hole at the exact same tournament, needing a birdie to take the lead on the final hole and force Bill Haas to make birdie for a playoff. Clark laid up, and par was what he wrote down. (And to add insult to decision injury, Haas sacked up, went for it in two, made birdie and won the damn tournament.)

Now comes Michael Sim. He's 25-years-old, fresh off a dominating run on the Nationwide Tour and was in the fairway on the 18th hole at Torrey Pines needing to make a four. Both days prior to Sunday, when Sim was on the 18th at the South Course, he elected to lay up. Both days, he walked away with five.

SIm had 240-yards, a yardage not entirely insane for a professional golfer. It was so meaty, as they say, that Gary McCord incorrectly reported that Sim was going to hit a 2-iron, since the symbol a caddie gives the on-course announcer is the same for 2-iron and 7-iron (two fingers).

Sim hit his 7-iron down the fairway, spun his third shot off the front of the green, made par and watched as Ben Crane celebrated his third career victory.

Sim's explanation is as follows ...

"Yeah, I hit a perfect drive down there the left side, had 224 meters front, and for me that's really stretching a 3-wood, so I decided to lay up to a nice yardage. I looked for 80 meters and I hit it to 82, so it was a perfect, perfect number and hit a perfect shot, probably threw it past the hole maybe eight yards and just kept spinning back and it eventually went off the front of the green. It would have been nice to have a putt at it for birdie to get to 13, but it wasn't the case. So yeah.

I think (my 3-wood yardage) was right on -- I think I could have got there, but like I said, it had to be all of it. I had 224 meters front, and I reckon I can probably carry it 225, 230, but like I said, I had to hit it flush, and I wasn't swinging that well and just decided to lay up to a comfortable number. "

I've watched a lot of sports over the years, and if there is one thing I've pulled from it, it is this theory. If you have a chance to win something, make sure you do it on your own terms. Sim had a chance to go for it in two, with the exact carry distance his 3-wood could handle, meaning if he flushed a golf shot, he was probably looking at a 25-footer or so for eagle, forcing Crane to make birdie for the win and if he somehow found the cup for eagle, a birdie for a playoff. Sim took the power of winning out of his own hands when he didn't go for it, allowing Crane to basically play for par and force the young Australian to get up and down from 80-some yards.

Obviously Sim knows his game better than I do. He is a great player and felt that his decision was the right one and I guess at the end of the day you can't fault him for that. What I would like to see more of, however, on the PGA Tour is guys playing golf. Forget what you think is the correct decision, or what your coach would say, and rip that second shot like you would if you were out with your buddies.

You're telling me Sim lays up from there any other day of the year? I say no, and if you're going to win on this tour, you have to pick your spots to play carefully. This wasn't one of them and his trophy-less fly home probably reminded him of that.