Wednesday, March 31, 2010

After All This, What Do We Now Know About Tiger Woods?


This is the last week he will be a tabloid. Starting Monday, Tiger Woods will again be a golfer. I'm sure for most fans of his, that is a relief. No more hell from the media, no more yelling and screaming from organizations or condom dolls.

Starting Monday we get Tiger the golfer, talking about changes at Augusta National and the wind and how he feels like he hit a lot of great putts on Friday but nothing went in. But through all this, what have we really learned about Tiger Woods?

Well, for starters, we've learned that Woods is a man that loves sex. Trust me, you don't have to go turning over rocks in the Sonoran Desert to find people that can relate. All over the world, from big city to small town, men are having sex with people that don't hold their thousand dollar ring on their finger.

We've also learned that Tiger likes freaky sex. Again, you don't have to call the Hardy Boys to locate men like this.

But is there anything else we've learned about Woods the last four months? From his initial awkward press conference to his five minute interviews with both ESPN and The Golf Channel, the only real thing that has come from it is that Tiger stopped meditating, a joke I continue to use because I find it so ridiculous. Meditating doesn't stop the second head from wanting what it wanted. Mediating doesn't push for a golden shower or two.

I'd say one thing we learned about Tiger is his ability to cloak his life like he was Harry Potter sneaking around Hogwarts is as impressive as anything he's ever done. Do you have a friend that has ever cheated on a girlfriend or wife? That guy is constantly trying to avoid getting caught, and unless your buddy is Justin Timberlake, he probably isn't as famous as Tiger Woods. Tiger did this type of stuff all the time, in different cities, but avoided capture by the vulturous media.

Maybe we learned that Earl Woods was way more important to his son than we all believed. Everyone has a best friend, the one person that they will always be able to go to, and it seems that Earl was that to Tiger. The guy taught him everything and when he passed, life seemed to take a turn. His emotional geyser after the 2006 British Open win was telling in a way of how much he respected dad, but this might be just as telling. Earl was Tiger's rock, and without him, it's been a tough road going.

The one thing we have learned, however, is we will never know about Tiger now. If you thought he was covered up before, multiply that by a thousand and then just keep counting. This guy will be a fortress like we've never seen before, shoving away serious and personal questions like they're water hazards. On Monday, Tiger will give his first full press conference, but expect some sort of disclaimer about non-golf questions. He won't be answering them then and he won't be answering them later.

Tiger Woods isn't the same Tiger Woods we knew at this time last year, but in a way, he kind of is. He's a guy we know nothing about, it's just now we see a few more flaws than we used to.

11 comments:

markus said...

didnt we learn that he's really horny? and maybe a bit pervy? (aren't we all?) seriously though - he's human. SHOCK!

Adam said...

One of the things I really enjoy about this affair is the different pictures of Tiger. Before this, the only pictures we saw were Tiger celebrating, fistpumping, etc. Now the pictures are of him looking down, club on the ground, or Tiger looking for his ball in the trees.

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