Wednesday, February 2, 2011

10 Things Not To Do At A Golf Tournament

The Waste Management Open is this week, meaning a lot of people will be going to their lone golf tournament of the year, and a good percentage of those folks might never have gone to a golf event ever. It because of that I'm writing this, and giving you some pointers on what not to do at a golf tournament.

(Note: The above photo is my good friend Richard, who two years ago went out and raked a bunker DURING THE TOURNAMENT, but since he didn't get in trouble, I don't blame him.)

1.) Never scream 'Get in the Hole' -- You never want to do this. Never ever ever ever ever ever ever. It is arguably the worst thing in the history of golf, and annoys fans, commentators, players and caddies. An added note: if you do it, or are forced to do it like you have some golf form of Tourettes, never do it on a par-four. Never. This would be the NBA equivalent of yelling at a player to "slam dunk it baby" as he was dribbling to half-court.

2.) Don't have your phones on ring -- It still baffles me that some people even use the "ring" function on cell phones, but if you're at the tournament, and have your cell, at least turn it on vibrate or silent. It takes you three seconds, and makes you a lot less likely to get the stink eye from a player trying to hit a wedge close.

3.) Don't cut lines -- There will be a ton of lines this week at the Waste Management. Lines to get into the 16th stands, lines to get beer, lines to get in the bathroom and lines to get your friend out of jail. Don't cut anyone. They paid the same amount as you, and they're just as excited to sit down enjoy the $8 Miller Lite they purchased as you are. If you cut lines, you're an ass. Don't do it.

4.) Don't touch any of the players -- Listen, these guys don't want you touching them. It isn't really anything against you, but they're trying to focus amongst all this hullabaloo and you touching them isn't exactly the most comfortable thing. No matter if you're a hot chick or a golf fan for 12 years with 66 signed Camilo Villegas shirts, keep your hands to yourself.

5.) Don't block a kid from the actual golf action -- If you see a kid watching golf, don't weasel in front of them to get a view. They're short, they actually like golf, and unlike you, they're painstakingly sober. Let 'em watch their idols. You can watch from behind them.

6.) On that same idea, if you're at 16, and a golfer tosses his ball in the air, don't keep it -- What are you really going to do with that golf ball? Hang it up in your house? Show your wife? Use it? Nope, hand it to the nearest kid. The players throw their balls in the stands all day long, so pass it along to their nearest junior and make his week. You might even get a round of applause.

7.) If you're a bad drunk, don't drink -- This is actually a rule for life, but thought I'd throw it in here.

8.) Also, don't fight anyone -- Maybe the older I get, the less excitement I get out of random people fighting each other, but can we avoid the conflict at a golf event? This is SUPPOSED to be a somewhat respectable event, and even though those girls just walked by with implants the size of the 18th green doesn't mean you have to lower yourself to a stupid level. Also, why you are fighting the random dude again? He smudged your Puma?

9.) Don't boo a golf shot that lands on the green -- Believe it or not, sometimes professional golfers purposely shoot away from the pin. Yep, I know, crazy right, but sometimes the middle of the green is where they intended that shot to go. Maybe ease up on the booing if it's on the green. That's a good golf shot. Boo all you want if the ball lands in the bunker, but not on the green, okay?

10.) Don't try to tak to any of the players -- Trust me, they aren't going to respond (unless you're that girl from No. 8).

Any others, toss in the comments.


@cfromtheict said...

Good list! I'd add:leave the wearing of golf shoes to the guys inside the ropes. You don't wear metal cleats to a baseball game do you?

joevos said...

Please add purple shirts, tan slacks, indian necklaces..... oh hell just kick out the thunderbirds

John said...

Couple responses to this:

Point 1: THIS. GOD, YES, THIS. A million billion GOZILLION TIMES -THIS-.

Point 2: I'm surprised you're even allowed to bring phones to the WaMO. In my (admittedly limited) experience 2x at Bethpage and at Aronimink last summer, you had to either not bring them or check them at entry, and you got booted if you were found with one on the course.

Point 4: What if it's not intentional? At Bethpage the first time I was on the ropes on the back when Shigeki Maruyama was walking down a fairway and I had my hands up going "hey nice shot man!" and he just gave me a high-five as he walked past. That was kinda cool.

Comment 1: Having been to both monsooned Opens at Bethpage, fuckin-A right I wore golf shoes. The first time, the friend I went with didn't, and we had to spend an hour in the medical trailer after he took a spill down the hill behind the 3rd green. But in Phoenix, yeah, you probably don't need them.

Aussie Golfer said...

I'm so with you on #2. What are people thinking these days? Get with the vibrating program!

Cole said...

Surprised to see you say a shot to the middle of the green is a good shot... I will remember that the next time you use an expletive to describe yourself after such a shot... I guess there typically aren't 20k drunks watching you hit most of the time though I am sure they would appreciate the suspenders!

Anonymous said...

Well thought out blog with this list today. I wish you could keep your comments/blogs as informative. Good job, man!!

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