Monday, July 25, 2011

Why Happy Gilmore Might Be One of the Worst Made Movies Ever (And Yet I Still Love It)

I want everyone to understand something; I love “Happy Gilmore.” Love it. I own it on DVD, owned it on VHS, and will tune in whenever it’s on whatever channel still shows it. HBO, Golf Channel, TBS ... I don’t care, I’ll watch. I laugh at least 12 times a viewing, and will never hate on the idea behind the movie.

But as a movie about golf? Terrible. Absolutely horrible. Stunningly error-filled. Like, “if I wrote a story that had that many mistakes I’d be not only fired but shot” bad. And why? Because it literally lips out (golf term joke ... hey-o) on every possible golf scenario in the movie.

So, let us dive right in, shall we?

-- First things first ... 400 yards away on his first tee shot, eh? Fine, that’s fine. But how in the world is the man that far away going to see, and point out, that it was Gilmore and the movers that were hitting balls at them? And if that man could see them, why wouldn’t he go to the house and identify them as the people that broke his window?

-- The Waterbury driving range has a 400-yard range sign. Umm huh.

-- If you win the Waterbury Open, some random golf tournament, you’re automatically on “the pro tour”? Really? And it’s a one-day event? I would pay a LOT of money for a chance to play in a one-day event for an exempt card on the PGA Tour. That would be like the NBA holding a three-point contest, and if you make four in a row, you are automatically a member of the Dallas Mavericks.

-- Please, just PLEASE, look at the crowd listening to Shooter McGavin’s initial speech at the Waterbury Open. It’s a mix of 40-somethings and old women. And this is a qualifier for the pro tour? Gotcha. Not a single under 40-something in the bunch.

-- Chubbs calls “time” after Happy’s initial whiff in the qualifier. That would be a second caddie helping out. That’s illegal. Also, TIMEOUT!

-- He hit it in the pond and somehow moved up the leaderboard after jumping in and getting his ball.

-- On the last hole of the qualifier he not only has his caddie carrying his clubs and Chubbs giving him a read, but he also has a third caddie tending the flag.

-- Shooter’s caddie suggested, on a downhill chip right next to the green to a short-sided pin, that he should use a 5-iron. Shooter fired him, for apparently the best reason ever in the history of player-to-caddie relationship.

-- Shooter had a putt on the final green for the win (again, a one-day tournament), and while his caddie (The one he fired but didn’t leave) was standing behind him doing nothing, another caddie tended the flag.

-- If you look at the scoreboard behind the pro golf tour’s head when he’s trying to get Happy kicked off the tour, the first hole is a 610-yard par-5. Happy drove the green earlier in the day.

-- Happy Gilmore yelled at someone during a fight, “Play it where it lies, motherf**ker!” He had played golf for three days. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have known that rule or how to phrase it.

-- The first the “You suck, ya jackass” guy yelled at Happy he’d be kick out of the tournament. First time.

-- Also, Bob Barker would tell that guy to shut up as well. Like he didn’t hear it, no matter how old he is.

-- Somehow putt-putt makes you a better putter. That would be like saying pop-a-shot would make you a better dribbler.

-- During the tour championship, Happy makes a bogey. The sign behind him that the sign boy is carrying says he’s 2-under. The leaderboard says 4-under. He then makes another bogey to get to 3-under (or 1-under by sign boy). Then, on the next hole, he goes drive-whiff-whiff-whiff-whiff-water. So, he’d be hitting eight at that point, but somehow, after all that, he dropped just one shot, and SOMEHOW, he was at 2-under and dropped to 1-under. So maybe he lost a shot in between holes. Wouldn’t surprise me.

-- So now he’s four back of Shooter, goes to his happy place, punches out on the green, makes some other putt on some hole, makes another putt, and another, and suddenly he’s just two shots better and two back of Shooter.

-- Shooter then tops his shot in the water (best pro in golf, btw), but doesn’t drop a shot, yet Gilmore did, even though he made a long putt.

-- And all of a sudden, they’re tied! And then the president of the tour announces the hole before they tee off on the 18th.

Now, I won’t even address all that “ball on the foot, tower falling on the green, play it where it lies” business. I’m fairly convinced “play it where it lies” is the only golf rule anyone had ever heard of before writing this movie.

So, to clear it up, Happy Gilmore is really entertaining, but not much of a golf movie. I guess that’s fine though, right?

(And yes, if you can't tell, this is what I call a slow news day. Sorry for taking up so much of your time with a movie made when I was in 4th grade.)


Robbie said...

Great read.
Next week I want a write up of "Who's your caddy?"

Roody said...

Ha! I love it! While watching, I've remarked to my wife much of the same sentiment, and her response is "honey, it's a movie".

I think we could poke holes in most (if not all) of the golf movies.

Anonymous said...

way too much time on your hands

foryourbenefit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
foryourbenefit said...

Maybe your best blog post ever. What about Happy's first hole in the qualifier (Par 5):

Shot 1: Shot 0 yards, 600 yards to hole
Shot 2: 580 yards to green, 60 feet to hole
Shot 3: 125 feet to rough, 65 feet to hole
Shot 4: 85 feet to green, 20 feet to hole
Shot 5: 35 feet to green, 15 feet to hole
Shot 6: 13 feet to green, 2 feet to hole
Shot 7: In the hole

I don't know what was more amazing: that they acually got the score right on the next scoreboard, that the fans on the tee could see his tee shot land on the green 600 yards away, that someone could hold the green after a 580 yard drive or that Happy's playing partner didn't play a shot after Happy was on the green.

(Note this doesn't include whatever penalty you get for punching out a fan on the green)

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Anonymous said...

Also... Happy kills the gator during the Cleveland Open. There are no gators in Cleveland. Last... how does he get from event to even, and quickly at that?

Anonymous said...

And I can't believe that hockey stick putter is legal.

Anonymous said...

No shit moron, this was all intnetional and why the movie is so funny. It is not meant to be a serious golf film you "jackass."

Anonymous said...

man, there's a lot of haters giving you a hard time on this one... I thought it (by which I refer both to the movie, and the article) was funny, but then I know nothing about golf...

Anonymous said...

Wow. You are a fucking loser, dude.

Anonymous said...

the only thing with more errors than the movie is this post with all its typos. regardless enjoyed the post haha

Anonymous said...

The heckler would have been kicked out of the tournament after the first comment.

Happy wouldn't earn prize money for finishing dead last. He would have missed the cut and earned $0.

Anonymous said...

a lot of your "errors" are not so well explained or in some cases, are flat out wrong....funny stuff though

Anonymous said...

Who would want to watch an Accurate movie about golf?

Nick said...

Great post, loved how it broke the movie down without ruining the fun of the movie

Anonymous said...

I think you would have had to take up a whole weekend in itself to write this, but the fact a Volkswagen could have gotten on the golf course in the first place is funny, and then the play it as it lies when the freekin' camera stands fall onto the green. I am sure they would have moved it out of the way. I loved the blog. Good stuff! By the there a Sizzler in the towns they played in? I didn't even now they were still in business even when the movie was made, by the way...him jumping into the pond to get his ball...there were so many balls in that would he have known that the ball he had was his...there had to be more than one Titlist 1 in that pond in the bunches of balls that were the way they could have made a fortune by selling those balls in the pond for a $1 a piece. LOL!

Anonymous said...

Remember when Happy putted the ball way past the hole, then said "wait, wait" and the ball came back and dropped in the hole? If you look closely you can clearly see a little track that had been carved out in the green for the ball to travel along.

Rob Del Medico said...

Lots of anonymous pussies posting here.

Anonymous said...

Rob Del You are also an anonymous pussy even worse with a name.

Anonymous said...

The movie somehow managed to make the most unwatchable sport in history funny....i'll take it.

Rob Del Medico said...

Might wanna look up the word "anonymous", bro.

Albert Giesbrecht said...

I was an extra in the movie, all the golf shots were CGI. The tower falling was real several stuntmen were injured and had to be sent to the hospital.

Anonymous said...

Highly jousted, the parents stand in the motel room backspace with the taste of Maurice's favorite: Creme Soda! Parakeets fly in and the lack of forestry in the desert cucumbers in the rain on the driest song on his latest compilation of sad songs and parking spaces. And yeah right, they french kiss on the skating rink. That would never happen. They're actors.

Anonymous said...

I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.

Anonymous said...

Oops. Hee hee.

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