Why Happy Gilmore Might Be One of the Worst Made Movies Ever (And Yet I Still Love It)

I want everyone to understand something; I love “Happy Gilmore.” Love it. I own it on DVD, owned it on VHS, and will tune in whenever it’s on whatever channel still shows it. HBO, Golf Channel, TBS ... I really, don’t care, I’ll watch. I laugh at least 12 times a viewing, and will never hate on the idea behind the movie.

But as a movie about golf? Terrible. Absolutely horrible. Stunningly horrible. Like, “if I wrote a story that had that many mistakes I’d be not only fired but shot” bad. And why? Because it literally lips out (golf term joke ... hey-o) on every possible golf scenario in the movie.

So, let us dive right in, shall we?

-- First things first ... 400 yards away on his first tee shot, eh? Fine, that’s fine. But how in the world is the man that far away going to see, and point out, that it was Gilmore and the movers that were hitting balls at them? And if that man could see them, why wouldn’t he go to the house and identify them as the people that broke his window?

-- The Waterbury driving range has a 400-yard range sign. Umm huh.

-- If you win the Waterbury Open, some nondescript golf tournament, you’re automatically on “the pro tour”? Really? And it’s a one-day event? I would pay a LOT of money for a chance to play in a one-day event for a full-time card on the PGA Tour. That would be like the NBA holding a three-point contest, and if you make four in a row, you are automatically a member of the Dallas Mavericks.

-- Please, just PLEASE, look at the crowd listening to Shooter McGavin’s initial speech at the Waterbury Open. It’s a mix of 40-somethings and old women. And this is a qualifier for the pro tour? Gotcha. Not a single under 40-something in the bunch.

-- Chubbs calls “time” after Happy’s initial whiff in the qualifier. That would be a second caddie helping out. That’s illegal. Also, TIMEOUT!

-- He hit it in the pond and somehow moved up the leaderboard after jumping in and getting his ball.

-- On the last hole of the qualifier he not only has his caddie carrying his clubs and Chubbs giving him a read, but he also has a third caddie tending the flag.

-- Shooter’s caddie suggested, on a downhill chip right next to the green to a short-sided pin, that he should use a 5-iron. Shooter fired him, for apparently the best reason ever in the history of player-to-caddie relationship.

-- Shooter putted on the final green for the win (again, a one-day tournament), and while his caddie (The one he fired but didn’t leave) was standing behind him doing nothing, another caddie tended the flag.

-- If you look at the scoreboard behind the pro golf tour’s head when he’s trying to get Happy kicked off the tour, the first hole is a 610-yard par-5. Happy drove the green earlier in the day.

-- Happy Gilmore yelled at someone during a fight, “Play it where it lies, motherf**ker!” He had played golf for three days. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have known that rule or how to phrase it.

-- The first the “You suck, ya jackass” guy yelled at Happy he’d be kick out of the tournament. First time.

-- Also, Bob Barker would tell that guy to shut up as well. Like he didn’t hear it, no matter how old he is.

-- Someone putt-putt makes you a better putter. That would be like saying pop-a-shot would make you a better dribbler.

-- During the tour championship, Happy makes a bogey. The sign behind him that the signboy is carrying says he’s a 2-under. The leaderboard says 4-under. He then makes another bogey to get to 3-under (or 1-under by signboy). Then, on the next hole, he goes drive-whiff-whiff-whiff-whiff-hit in the water. So he’d be hitting eight at that point, but somehow, after all that, he dropped just one shot, but somehow, he was at 2-under and dropped to 1-under. So maybe he lost a shot in between holes. Wouldn’t surprise me.

-- So now he’s four back of Shooter, goes to his happy place, punches out on the green, makes some other putt on some hole, makes another putt, and another, and suddenly he’s just two shots better and two back of Shooter.

-- Shooter then tops his shot in the water (best pro in golf, btw), but doesn’t drop a shot, yet Gilmore did, even though he made a long putt.

-- And all of a sudden, they’re tied! And then the president of the tour announces the hole before they tee off on the 18th.

Now, I won’t even address all that “ball on the foot, tower falling on the green, play it where it lies” business. I’m fairly convinced “play it where it lies” is the only golf rule anyone had ever heard of before writing this movie.

So, to clear it up, Happy Gilmore is really entertaining, but not much of a golf movie. I guess that’s fine though, right?

(And yes, if you can't tell, this is what I call a slow news day. Sorry for taking up so much of your time with a movie made when I was in 4th grade.)